


Bound

by TheGreenMeerkat



Series: Connor The Friendly Ghost [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Connor's a ghost, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, One-Sided Attraction, Only Evan can hear him, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tags Are Hard, Trees, he can also touch him?, insecurities to the max, sorry jared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-10-23 19:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 27,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10725804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreenMeerkat/pseuds/TheGreenMeerkat
Summary: If Evan Hansen woke up that early Thursday morning to something other than his alarm, he would assume it was due to a nightmare, or just needing to go to the bathroom; In fact, it would have taken him a million lifetimes before he guessed that Connor Murphy's ghost was the culprit to his sudden awakening.(Originally called "Another Ghost Au")





	1. Tired

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic I'm actually posting, hooray! Idk if it's any good really, but I'll continue it even if only one person wants more. I'm honestly winging this whole thing.

    _"Hansen."_

    He wasn't surprised when he found himself waking up right as the sun barely crossed the horizon line. The senior was a very light sleeper, and would often wake up multiple times during the night. Usually, though, he could identify the cause of his early awakening very quickly, but this morning he had not one clue as to what woke him up; that is until he heard it again.

    "Hansen, you awake?" The sudden voice that appeared to come from nowhere startled Evan to the point of letting out a not-so-manly squeal, not that he really cared about his masculinity. He sat up from his bed to search for the source of the oddly familiar voice, but it seemed there was nothing, or no one, in the barely-lit room. But before the paranoid boy could begin to question his sanity, a body emerged from nowhere. _Connor Murphy_.

    "Good, you're finally awake," the tall boy scowled. "Can you explain to me why the fuck I'm here?" Evan didn't know how to respond to such a strange question. How was he supposed to know why Connor Murphy was in _his_ house?

    "I-I don't-what?" Evan winced at his own stuttering, prepared for the taller boy to yell at him. He felt so vulnerable now; I mean, how could he not? Here was one of the most intimidating boys in his school standing in his bedroom, about ready to beat Evan, the weak, invisible boy with crippling anxiety, to a pulp. The word 'terrified' almost seemed like an understatement.

    "I'm supposed to be fucking _dead_ , Hansen. I was prepared to disappear or go to hell, or some other shit like that. I was NOT prepared to be standing in _your_ bedroom as a- as a fucking ghost or spirit or whatever the hell I am!" the supposed ghost's volume seemed to raise a level with each word he spoke, causing enough sound to wake up the entire neighborhood.

   "O-okay, okay, just- just k-keep your voice down?" Evan did not mean to phrase it as a question, but there was no way he would demand Connor Murphy to do something- especially when he was THIS mad. Surprisingly enough, though, the taller boy seemed to calm down a bit.

    "Hansen, as far as I know, no one else can hear me but you," Connor sighed. "My family sure as hell couldn't hear me." The boy suddenly collapsed to the ground, or more accurately, collapsed _through_ the ground. To the other boy's shock, Connor wasn't drunk or high; he was actually a ghost.

    Evan's first thought was he must be dreaming. He's had many vivid nightmares in the past, some feeling so real that when he woke up, he didn't even recognize reality anymore. But after giving himself multiple pinches, he couldn't deny it anymore. This was no dream.

"I, I don't get it...Why are...How are you..." it suddenly became impossible for Evan to even form proper sentences. Connor, done with all this bullshit, let out another sigh, much deeper than the last.

    "I guess I should try to explain this to you, Evan," Connor began, finally getting off, or _out of_ the floor. "I'm not sure if you heard yet, but I...I ended my life Tuesday night. And I...Well, I'm a ghost now. obviously. And I'm like, bound to you? Or some shit like that? I mean, I wasn't at first." The spirit cleared his throat, which was surprising to Evan, because _why would a ghost need to clear his throat?_  

    ...And why was this the first thing that popped into his head with Connor's words?

    "I kept trying to get everyone's attention at my house, but no one could hear me. So last night I gave up, floated over my bed, closed my eyes, and now I'm here. Still dead." Connor sighed for the third time that morning, which was another odyssey to Evan because can a ghost even exhale? "And I guess you're the only one that can hear me."

    Even as a spirit, Connor looked absolutely exhausted; the bags under his eyes seemed to go on forever, and his slouched position, even while floating, made him look like he could collapse at any second. It made Evan feel sick, in a way, because he knew how Connor felt right now. Evan was tired too. That's why he jumped from that tree. But he's still so _tired_. Physically, emotionally, and socially exhausted. And it seems that even if Evan succeeded in his original goal that beautiful afternoon, just like Connor did, he would still be _tired_.

    That thought terrified Evan.

    So at that moment, looking at the exhausted ghost, Evan made a promise to Connor without him knowing. If he was the only one that could hear the spirit, then he would do anything to help him rest, to get rid of those bags. And if he could do that, if Connor Murphy could stop being _tired_ , then so could Evan.

    But first, he needs to get ready for school.


	2. Can you touch me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan asks questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for the lovely comments on the last chapter! I wasn't really sure if I was going to continue this, but your comments and kudos convinced me! Also, for some reason, the spacing in this chapter was extra large? If anyone knows how to fix this, please let me know! Hope you like this next chapter :)

    Connor allowed Evan to get ready for school, giving the shorter boy as much space as whatever bound them together would allow, which happened to only be a couple yards. With the ghost just outside the bathroom door, Evan began his shower, trying to process everything that has happened in the past half hour. Unfortunately, though, it proved to be impossible. Everyone always said that showers were a good place to think, but Evan's mind could never focus in the tiny space. Any cognitive thought would be forgotten about the moment he stepped out. The best thing to do would be to just focus on getting ready and ask Connor questions later.

  
    After hastily packing his lunch and saying goodbye to his mom, Evan ran out the door with Connor's ghost, eager to ask questions to make sense of what was going on. If he COULD make any sense out of it, then that must mean he isn't going insane. Honestly, though, Evan wasn't sure if he even wanted it to be in his head or not.

  
    "O-okay, so, um, can you explain this to me again?" the anxious senior asked timidly. He was honestly expecting Connor to yell or hit him in the face at any moment.

  
    Then again, could Connor even touch him? He had too many questions.

  
    "Ugh, alright Hansen," the taller boy groaned. "I killed myself. I came back as a ghost. Two days later I'm suddenly bound to you. You're the only person who can see me. You got that, smart boy?" The nickname came out of nowhere, and Evan had to admit, he liked it.

  
    "Okay, but why me? Are you going to be here forever? What about my privacy? Can you even touch me? Does everyone come back as ghosts? Does everyone secretly have a ghost following them around?! Can you see them? Are you-"

  
    "Jesus Christ Hansen, calm down," Connor interrupted, stifling a laugh. "Let me see if I got all that. I don't know why I'm bound to you, I don't know how long I will be, I can't do anything about your privacy, and if everyone does come back as ghosts bound to someone, I can't see them. Is that everything?" The ghost looked down at Evan with a smirk as he floated next to him. Evan, on the other hand, seemed too preoccupied looking at anything BUT Connor.

  
    "Um, you missed one," Evan muttered, staring at the ground beside him. He felt so idiotic and annoying, asking all these questions. "Can you touch me? O-or, anything really?" It was probably a silly question. Practically anyone could tell you ghosts can't touch anything. From what Evan saw, the spirit couldn't even touch the floor.

  
    "Well as far as I know," Connor answered, reaching a hand towards Evan's shoulder, "I can't touch anything. But maybe- woah!" Connor's slightly transparent hand made contact with Evan's shoulder, both flinching away immediately. It sent a chill down the shorter boy's back. The only difference between Connor's hand and any other human's hand was it was _extremely cold_.

  
    "So I guess I can touch you, then. Cool." Connor stared at his hand for longer than any normal person would. For a moment, it looked almost _alive_ , but it faded back to its transparent look rather quickly.

  
    "Yeah, insanely cool. Y-your hand was freezing!" Evan giggled. Maybe this ghost situation wouldn't be too bad.

 

    Evan tried to focus in his math class, but it didn't help that he had a dead kid beside him groaning about how boring this was and 'wishing he was bound to someone who wasn't in high school.' Math was Evan's worst subject, but right now he was managing to keep a low A in that class and he did not want that ruined for him thanks to a ghost that could still very well just be in Evan's mind. Suddenly, though, the loud speaker asked for Evan Hansen's presence in the office.

  
    Connor may have been grateful to finally leave the number prison better known as math class, but Evan was trying not to go into a panic. The tree lover NEVER got called down to the office. What did they want with him there?

  
    "So what did you do to get called down to the office, Smart Boy?" Connor teased, trying not to laugh at Evan's ~~adorable~~ panicked expression.

  
    "I-I don't know. Y-you think I'm in trouble?" Evan responded, suddenly becoming too anxious for both of the boy's likings. Connor was afraid that if the shorter boy got any more scared, he would end up crying.

  
    "Chill out, dude. They're probably giving you some kinda reward or some shit," placing a hand on his back, the ghost tried his best to comfort the anxiety-filled senior walking next to him, but comforting was not really his strong point. Surprisingly, despite how cold the hand was on his spine, Evan did seem to calm down, just a little bit.

  
    Finally, the two got to the dreaded office. One of the office ladies behind the tall desks pointed toward a room in the back, smiling sweetly at Evan. The senior smiled back, but it was immediately removed from his face when he saw that the door he was walking towards was the Principal's office. God, he felt like he was going to faint.

  
    He slowly entered the room with Connor lingering close behind him. Even if no one else could see him, it was comforting for Evan, knowing someone else was there with him. The small room had annoying bright lights and white walls. A fancy dark brown desk sat in the middle of it, with a computer and flowers sitting on top. Behind the desk was the principal, a middle-aged, dark skinned woman that was _mostly_ sweet. In front of the desk were two other people, most likely a couple, looking very exhausted.

  
    "My parents?" Connor suddenly whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else can't think clearly in the shower? I think I'm projecting on Evan a lot since we both have anxiety. Anywho, I'm gonna try to update this every weekend, but no promises. Hope you liked it!


	3. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan realizes something dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaagh, I don't think this chapter is any good. It's really boring. I hope you like it anyways, and thanks again for all the kudos and amazingly nice comments!

    "Have a seat, Mr. Hansen," the principal dictated, standing up from her large - very cozy looking - chair. "I'll leave you three to talk." She smiled lightly at Evan and the couple, supposedly Connor's parents, and exited the small room.

    "Your name is Evan, right?" the lady suddenly spoke up, with a kind and gentle voice. Evan would guess she was in her mid-to-late 30's, but the bags and tear stains under her eyes made her look 10 years older. "We're Connor Murphy's parents. It's nice to meet you." Why were Connor's parents here talking to him? He glanced over to the ghost next to him, giving a confused look. The dead senior just shrugged.

    "Um, Connor h-hasn't been to school lately. Is, is he alright?" Even decided it was best to pretend he didn't have Connor Murphy's ghost floating right next to him. With his constant stuttering, sweating, and twitches, he already looked insane enough.

    "Evan, we don't know the best way to tell you this, but..." Mrs. Murphy sighed deeply as her husband decided to finish for her. Evan already knew what was about to be said. "Connor took his life Tuesday night. His death note was signed to you."

  "What?" Connor growled. "I didn't even write a- Oh. Shit." The two seniors both realized at the same time what the Murphy's were referring to. Connor still had Evan's letter. 

    "Th-that's not... I..." Evan didn't really know what to do. Baby steps. "M-may I see it?" Evan wasn't lying to the Murphy's, he just wanted to make sure it was _really_ his letter. Then he would apologetically explain the situation and move on with his life normally.

    ...Well, as normal as possible with a ghost constantly by his side. So maybe not that normal.

    Mrs. Murphy pulled the folded up letter out of her purse and handed it to Evan. He didn't have to read past "Dear Evan Hansen" to tell that this was definitely not Connor Murphy's suicide not, and indeed one of the mandatory letters Evan had to write to himself that Connor stole out of anger in the computer lab, just the morning before the short-tempered boy took his life.

    Evan tried not to think about the possibility of it being his fault Connor died. He tried to focus on the matter at hand. He clenched onto the letter hard.

    He couldn't.

    "That is to you, right?" Mrs. Murphy asked. Evan simply gave a nod in response as he got lost in the dark truth, refusing to look at anyone in the room, dead or alive. "We know it's a lot to take in. You don't have to-"

    "Do you think It was my fault?" Evan suddenly choked out, not even meaning to say that out loud. God, was he seriously asking two parents whose son just committed suicide if it was his fault? He was so selfish.

    During this whole endeavor, Connor was suspiciously quiet, which just made Evan blame himself even more. Maybe that's why Connor was bound to him, to have the guilt _literally_ haunt him.

    "Oh, Evan. It was no one's fault, dear. No one could have known that he would- that all this would happen." Mrs. Murphy consoled, but Evan didn't believe a word of it. Whether Connor was planning the suicide or not, _his_ letter was the tip of the iceberg. _He killed Connor Murphy_.

    "Would you like to come over for dinner tonight, Evan? Connor never mentioned having a friend, so it would be nice if you could tell us some stories of your time together? Only if you want to of course." Mrs. Murphy was being _way too nice_. The senior just couldn't help but feel like he didn't deserve this. Hell, he didn't feel like he deserved anything but a punch in the face from Connor right now.

    "Say yes." Connor suddenly demanded. It would have sounded intimidating if his voice didn't crack at the end. He was definitely trying to hold in tears, if a ghost could even cry.

    "Y-yeah, I'll come." Evan didn't know why Connor wanted him to go, but it didn't matter. If that's what the ghost wanted, then that's what was happening. It was the only way to ever even slightly make it up to Connor for what he did.

    Evan and Connor went back to class in silence.


	4. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor wants the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning on uploading this early, but I've been sick all week and I got finals and projects and *throws up*  
> At least I got it in on time though! Hope you like it

   Neither of the boys spoke to each other until the end of the day, when it was time to walk to Connor's house. Evan had the excuse of not wanting to look mental, but the spirit's silence was unnatural and unnerving; before the lovely talk with the Murphy's, the dead boy had no problem expressing his boredom with math class. The presence of a silent ghost is much more frightening than a complaining ghost.

   "S-so, um, why'd you want me to lie?" Evan automatically regretted letting that question leave his mouth. He would have asked eventually, but after not speaking for the whole day to the ghost, he could have started with something better. Connor, though, didn't seem too affected by the sudden question.    

"Well, if I'm going to be stuck with you for who knows how long, you might as well get to know me," he shrugged it off. For a second, Evan thought he would change the subject, but the dead boy continued. "But, uh, really. Did you see how proud they looked, to see that I actually had a friend? I have never seen them like that before." the ghost, crossing his arms, pretended to find something very interesting on the ground to look at.

   "B-but did I really have to lie? They will- they'll catch on eventually, won't they?" Evan stuttered. Connor seemed to think for a moment, lifting up his head.

   "Nah, it's not like you're alone on this. I got your back. We can like, I don't know, make up a story about us." Connor was surprisingly chill despite the situation; if Evan were to compare him to the terrified, angry ghost Connor was that morning in his room, they'd be completely different to less-observant individuals. But Evan noticed the similarities. Connor was just as afraid. "How'd you say you broke your arm again? Fell out of a tree? We could say I was there or something."    

Evan shivered. _That day_.

  "Y-yeah, we could do that."

   The two boys entered the Murphys' home, following Mrs. Murphy to the dining room. Mr. Murphy and Zoe sat at the table while the amazing smell of tomato soup leaked from the kitchen. As Evan sat down with Mrs. Murphy's directions, Zoe gave him a smile and a small wave.

   Mrs. Murphy sat in the chair to the left of Evan. "It's so nice to have you over, Evan. Do you like tomato soup?" she asked generously.

   "Oh, I, I'm not hungry, but thank you," Evan responded, shaking his head. He lied, he was starving, but he didn't want to be a nuisance. He'd just eat when he got home. He was lying to himself, now. He just hoped Connor wouldn't notice.

   "So Evan," Mr. Murphy spoke up, "How'd you break your arm?" Of course he would ask that. It was a perfect conversation starter.

   "W-well that's actually a.. pretty good story about m-me and Connor."

   Zoe looked up from her phone, looking confused. "So you were actually friends with Connor? Cause you guys seemed to have a bad fight on Monday." Zoe studied Evan suspiciously. She was onto him.

   "Y-yeah, we got into an... argument..." Evan scratched at his hand nervously. He still couldn't help but think that this argument, and his note, was the "final straw" for Connor. He shivered once again, scratching harder at his hand. It was a bad nervous habit he had.

   Mrs. Murphy seemed to notice Evan's fidgeting and changed the subject: "We would love to hear that story, Evan." She placed a gentle hand on the senior's arm, stopping his scratching. Connor also seemed to notice Evan's nervous habit and placed a hand on his shoulder.

   "Dude, chill. Just like, pretend I was there when you fell. Go through the day. Hell, be cheesy if you want, my mom will eat that shit up." Connor jokingly suggested. You'd think the ghost's hand would make Evan shiver, but he was beginning to get used to the cold presence. It seemed less freezing every time the dead boy touched him.

   So Evan made up a beautiful story of the day he broke his arm, where he got ice cream and went to the Orchard. Where they walked around and sat and talked and climbed trees and-

   To put it simply, It was Evan's dream date. He would never admit that, obviously. What he would admit, though, is that if he actually had a friend on that day... Well, he would have never "fallen" in the first place.

   Connor was definitely right, Mrs. Murphy loved Evan's story. It made him guilty, thinking about what actually happened that day. It was no cheesy beautiful day with his "best friend" Connor Murphy. He was alone.

   Shortly after talking about his fake day, Evan left the Murphys' house and headed home. His mother wouldn't be home until much later, but he just couldn't handle being in that house anymore. He just needed to rest.

   "Evan, what really happened that day?" Connor suddenly asked. His tone was direct, almost demanding. He already knew what really happened before Evan could even say it. Either way, Evan couldn't admit it.

   “N-nothing. I was just… in a tree, and I fell,” Evan lied. Connor wasn’t going to stand for that. He grabbed on to both of Evan’s shoulders, turning the shorter boy towards him. _Oh god, he’s mad now._

   But he didn’t look mad at all. His look was stern and serious, but there was no anger to be found. There was empathy hidden in that look.

   “Evan, what happened?” He was almost like a worried parent, which was strange on someone like Connor. You’d never imagine an angry, misunderstood bad boy to ever talk or look like this. But he wasn’t a parent. He was just a scared boy who knew what Evan was going through. He was a worried friend; an acquaintance wouldn’t do something like this. In the short time that Connor has been bound to Evan, he started to care about him.

   Evan didn’t cry when he climbed the tree. Evan didn’t cry when he broke his arm, or when he walked to the hospital alone. He didn’t cry when he jumped. He was numb.

   But in that moment, as the sun began to set and the whole world glowed pink and orange, as he stood in the middle of the empty sidewalk, with someone he could maybe actually consider a friend, he couldn’t help himself.

   He fell into Connor, bursting into tears. Connor wrapped his arms around Evan, hugging him. The ghost never considered himself great at comforting, but in this moment, it seemed to come naturally.

   As Evan calmed down, Connor got an idea. “Uh, how about we reenact your story? Without the falling, of course.”

   Evan couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, that could be fun.” Evan sighed. “I-I’m sorry, for all of… this.”

   “It’s- It’s chill dude. I think it’s a fair trade. You’ve only been stuck with me for a day. Trust me, you’ll get sick of me.” Connor laughed subtly. It was the first time Evan really heard Connor laugh. It gave him a strange feeling, one that he chose to dismiss.

   “We should probably get going before the sun goes down,” Connor noted, looking up at the sky.  
   “Get going to where?” There was no way he was being serious before, right?

   “To the Orchard, of course. Where else?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else scratches their hands as a nervous habit? Someone once told me that wasn't a "real thing people do", but I do it :/  
> If there is anything messed up about this chapter, it's probably because the site was bugging out on me.


	5. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor fly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyy one of my friends is being my new beta reader, so hopefully, these chapters will be a bit better thanks to them :). But if you see any mistakes that they didn't catch, don't be afraid to tell me!

Evan is  _ not _ falling in love with a ghost. End of story.

    As they sneak into the orchard, he will admit that this ghost-in-question has some appealing factors. He has beautiful blue eyes that seem to brighten up whenever he smiles. And speaking of smiling, he has a very subtle grin, usually; a soft, half-smile, but once in awhile, he'll give a full grin, teeth and all, and it's absolutely adorable. His long, curly hair is also high up on Evan's list of everything cute about Connor Murphy.

    It wasn't just his looks, though. Evan already knew the boy was good-looking long before this day. It was his personality that made Evan consider him "not his type" before. Now, though, he's realizing how absolutely wrong he was about Connor. He had anger issues, sure, but that was his way of coping. Under that thin layer of rage was an amazingly thoughtful, intelligent, misunderstood individual with a big heart. The shorter boy felt awful for even thinking for a second that Connor was a bad guy.

    Evan swore he wasn't falling for him though. He often found himself being infatuated with new people. It's most likely because he looks a lot like Zoe, who he actually had a crush on last year. He moved on from that, mostly, but he still found Zoe gorgeous, so it would only make sense to find her brother  _ gorgeous _ as well, right?

    Evan ignored the tightness in his chest as they walked around in the orchard. They picked a nice spot out of the shade and enjoyed the view while Evan ate an apple.

    "So what's the worst and best thing about being a ghost?" Evan asked. He could easily make conversation by rambling on about the trees, but he decided he wanted to get to know Connor better first.

    "Oh god, it absolutely sucks. I can't touch anything except you, I can't eat, I can't sleep, and no one can hear a word I say." Evan was afraid for a moment that Connor was upset, but his tone was very exaggerated, and his face had a light smile on it. "But it's also kind of the best. I don't have to walk, I don't have any homework, and I'm not addicted to pot anymore. I don't think I've gone this long without being high since I started high school." Evan lets out a little laugh and the ghost's smile seems to brighten a bit.

    "Breaking news: local teen discovers the ultimate cure to drug addiction!" Evan joked. He hopes he didn't offend Connor, but the spirit laughs and decides to roll with it.

    "Scientists hate him! Watch as this young man finds the secret to fighting off addiction with this one simple technique!" The two boys howl with laughter. It probably wasn't even funny, or something that should really be joked about, but it's getting late and they've been through a lot today. A poorly written fart joke would probably be enough to make them laugh.

    Evan manages to calm his laughing. "Okay, we should probably head back." As much as he would love to stay here all night, he really just needed to sleep.

    "Bailing out on me already, Hansen?" Evan shrugged and began to stand up when Connor got an idea. "How much do you weigh?"

    "W-what?" Evan had no idea why Connor would want to know something like that. Besides, isn't that a question you aren't supposed to ask people? Or is that just with girls?

    "Never mind, I don't think it will matter. Just let me see your hands." A grin began to grow on Connor's face as Evan hesitantly lifted up his hands for him. "Do you trust me, Tree Boy?"

    Evan giggled a bit at the nickname, and without even thinking about it, he nodded his head. Connor's smile grew wider. Evan blushed as the ghost's hands interlocked with his. "Are you sure? Cause I'm about to do something pretty crazy."

    "Uh, should I not trust you?" 

    Connor simply shrugged at the question. "I guess you're about to find out." And suddenly, Connor began to quickly float up, bringing Evan with him as gravity attempted to bring him back to the ground.

    Evan let out a squeal. "C-Connor! M-maybe a bit of a w-warning next time?!" Connor couldn't help but laugh at Evan's stammering as the shorter boy tried not to scream.

    "Afraid of heights? Don't look down," the ghost teased. If Evan didn't die first he was going to smack Connor once they landed. 

    The spirit gently dropped Evan off on a sturdy looking branch, letting go of one hand to "sit" next to the Tree Boy, but keeping the other interlocked with him. "What a great view, don't ya think?"

    "Sure is, Peter Pan."

    Connor lifted his head up, placing both hands on his face. "Oh god, DO NOT call me Peter Pan."

    "Would you rather be called Olive Elephanta?"

    "I don't even know who that is."

    "It's from a book." Evan was about to go into more details about Olive being lighter than air but her powers being switched in the movie when he felt a chill go up to his arm and realized he was still holding one of Connor's hands, and now he can't seem to remember his train of thought.

    Luckily, Connor changes the subject for him. "We should write, like, fake emails for my mom, to show that we were friends."

    "T-that's actually a good idea. My fr- 'family friend' Jared is kind of a computer nerd, so he could help us out." He had to remind himself that Jared didn't consider Evan a true friend, that a ghost was the only thing he could give that label. Sometimes, though, he has a feeling that Jared just sucked at showing emotion.

    Connor groaned. "How do you stand that kid? He's  _ sooo _ annoying dude." Evan can admit that Jared can get annoying sometimes, but once you get past that he's not actually that bad.

   "Eh, you get used to it." The two boys briefly smiled at each other, then went back to looking at the view. "We should really get home."

    Connor helped Evan out of the tree, and unfortunately, let go of both of his hands as they walked home.

    He looked at the shorter boy as they walked. "I really should have gotten to know you when I was alive, Evan. That was a really fun time." 

    Evan risked a look at Connor as well. The ghost had that lovely, subtle smile on his face, and his beautiful blue eyes sparkled with the stars that were beginning to show in the darkening sky. His hair was adorably messy, and his demeanor made it clear that what he said was completely genuine. Everything about him was nearly  _ perfect _ .

    All it took was one glance at him in the beautiful night sky for him to admit it to himself.

    Evan was falling in love with a ghost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the break from all the angst! I honestly don't know what the next chapter will be like because I'm completely winging this story. The only thing I have an idea of is when their first kiss will be ouo


	6. And Everything's Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared "helps".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is your only warning: this chapter is absolute garbage.  
> hope you enjoy!

     Evan couldn’t really remember what happened when they got home last night.

     There are very vague memories; Connor laughing, getting ready for bed, and the faint sound of crying.

     The last memory gives him chills. He can hear the large sobs, can hear the attempt to cover it. And he hates himself for it, because he should have been awake to help the crying boy. He should be helping him.

     The ghost seems to have a different demeanor in the morning, and Evan can’t tell if it’s because of the crying or just because he hates mornings.

     “N-not a morning person?” Evan tries to pretend he didn’t hear the sobs. He has the strong urge to hug the spirit, to tell him that he’s not alone anymore. He doesn’t.

     “Fuck off, Tree Boy.  _ You _ can drink coffee.”

     “A-actually, I d-don’t drink coffee. I mean not to say it’s bad that you drink coffee or used to but caffeine isn’t good for you and there are other ways to get energy but sorryIshouldstoptalkingI’msorry.” He hates that he’s suddenly back to rambling again. Conversations came so easily to him yesterday, and now he was at square one.

     Thankfully, it seems to lighten Connor’s bad mood, as he begins to laugh. “Oh my god, Hansen,” He wipes a fake tear from his eye. “You are ridiculously adorable.” Evan’s face turns bright red. “You don’t have to apologize so much dude.”

     Evan’s sure the ghost meant it platonically, but that doesn’t stop him from getting flustered. “I-I, um, I was gonna say sorry again b-but that would have been really annoying, sorry-shit I mean-” 

     Connor cracks up in laughter. “Holy shit, who knew Smart Boy could cuss?” Evan’s face turns as red as a tomato.

     Suddenly, Heidi interrupts: “Evan, who are you talking to?” she yells from downstairs.

     “I-I’m on the phone with Jared, mom.”

     “Or a figment of your imagination,” Connor adds, giving Evan a mini heart attack.

     “I-imagination?”

     “Kidding, kidding. Why would you want someone as annoying as me as your imaginary friend?” Evan let out a sigh of relief. He did not want to be told he was insane by a ghost.

     “I’m heading to work, have a good day at school and call me if you need anything!” they hear the front door close.

     “Better get to school, Hansen. Let’s get this over with.” Connor mumbles the last part, making it almost inaudible to Evan.

     As they walk to school, the boys start to warm up to each other again. Connor forgets that he ever cried, and Evan forgets he ever heard it, for now. The shorter boy is still a bit rambly, but perhaps that’s just how Evan is sometimes.

     Classes go boringly slow, but Connor’s complaints and ridiculous insults to the teachers makes it a little bit better. Evan has to try very hard not to laugh out loud.

     Lunch finally arrives, and they run into good ole’ Jared Kleinman. “Dude, did you hear? Connor Murphy fucking killed himself. Can you believe that?”

     Evan glances at Connor, worried. He can already see the ghost's anger boiling up. Not knowing what to do, Evan relies on his instinct and attempts to sneakily grab onto the spirit’s hand behind him in an attempt to calm him down. He immediately realizes how that could be an awful idea, but it seems to work; he feels Connor become less tense.

     “Y-yeah, about that…” and Evan explains the whole situation to Jared, only leaving out the part where Connor’s ghost is haunting him, and how he is now holding his hand at that moment.

     Jared begins to laugh hysterically. “Holy shit, Evan. Only you could manage to fuck something up this bad. You do realize they think you two were gay, right?” 

     Evan immediately let go of Connor’s hand at that statement. “Th-they do not! We’re- I told them we were just friends.”

     Jared shrugged, smirking. “Whatever you say. Why are you even telling me this anyways?”

     “A-ah, well, I told them w-we had secret email accounts, you know? A-and they want to see the emails, and since you know so much about computers I thought you could... help?” Evan began to nervously grab his shirt.

     “I am not helping you write your weird sex emails, Evan.” The computer nerd began to walk away.

     “Th-they’re not-” Evan sighed. Arguing would get them nowhere. “I’ll give you 20 bucks.

     “Deal, but only if we skip the rest of the school day. I am not wasting my gaming time for this.”

     “Oh god, say yes. I am so tired of listening to your boring advanced placement teachers.” Connor complained. Evan hesitantly agreed to the deal.

     They rode to Evan’s house in Jared’s car, and Connor discovered how different it was to ride in a car as a ghost. He wasn’t moving with the vehicle, he was moving with Evan. If he wasn’t bound to the shorter boy, the car would have phased right through him once it started moving. If ghosts could get nauseated, he would be throwing up right now.

 

     “Alright, let’s see what kinda porn you’ve been watching, shall we?” One ride to Evan’s house later, Jared was on Evan’s computer, mouse hovering over the ‘Show Full History’ tab.

     Evan immediately snatched the computer away. “N-not funny, Jared.”

     “Damn, you must have some pretty kinky stuff you want to hide. I don’t even want to see that shit now.”

     Evan hears Connor stifle a laugh. It’s not that he really has anything to hide in his history, he just doesn’t like people knowing what he has on there, porn or no porn (especially Jared, who will mercilessly make fun of anything).

     “Just... just do the email thing or I’m not paying you.” He hands the computer back to Jared, who creates the fake email accounts and starts typing.

_      “Dear Evan Hansen, _

_           I know it has been awhile since we have talked, but in all honesty, I have begun to miss you. _ ”

     “Th-that’s actually a pretty good start, Jared.”

_     "Especially the sound of your soft moans as I roughly- _ ” Evan takes the laptop away from Jared’s grasp once again as Connor practically topples over in laughter behind him.

     “I’m giving these emails to Connor’s parents, Jared! J-just let me do it.” Evan sits down next to Jared on his bed and deletes all that he has written.

     “Well, if I’m not needed anymore, I’m just gonna go. Surprisingly enough, I have better things to do with my time than writing your sex emails.” The computer geek stood up and began to walk towards the door.

     Evan knew what he was doing, and he didn’t feel like humoring him right now. “See ya later.” The computer nerd froze and looked at Evan in half-shock. Seeing that the other boy wasn’t looking back, he left without another word.

     “God, what an asshole. He’ll probably still want the money, too.” Connor floated over to Evan to look at the computer screen.

     “Nah, he’ll bug me about it for weeks until I finally try to give it to him, then he’ll refuse to take it.”

     “Why would he do that?”

     Evan shrugs at the question as he begins to type “Dear Evan Hansen” on the screen. “He didn’t actually want to leave. He was testing to see if I wanted him here.”

     “Huh, you’re much more observant than I thought you’d be, Smart Boy.” Evan feels his face heat up at the compliment. Despite being an honor student, no one really notices the boy as intelligent (or notice him at all really), and he has definitely never been noticed for his observation skills. “Anyways, back to emails, right?”

     For the next 4 hours, the two boys wrote ridiculous emails together. They talked about everything and nothing; family, trees, books and movies, anything. One moment, they’d be serious, talking about Connor’s parents fighting or Evan’s mom never being home. The next moment, Evan would be passionately rambling about his favorite book series as a kid (Pendragon), and laughing at the fact that Jared was right; the idea of a secret email account is pretty damn gay.

     After writing and sloppily revising 6 emails, they gave up and closed the laptop. For the rest of the day, they just talked. No one got angry or sad or anxious. Evan didn’t have a panic attack over skipping class, and Connor didn’t cry from the fear of never talking to his family again. In that moment, nothing else mattered.

     Evan fell asleep, thinking about how the world might ruin this for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like the idea that despite Evan's anxiety and depression, he isn't very oblivious. No matter how much it doesn't feel like it sometimes, he knows Jared does enjoy his company at least a little bit.  
> I don't think this chapter was good at all, but I hope you enjoyed it anyways!


	7. Zoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor thinks about stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, I'm not dead!! I went to Pride yesterday and almost completely forgot to finish this chapter. To change it up a bit, this one is in Connor's perspective. Enjoy!

    Connor simultaneously hated and loved being dead, and he wasn’t really sure which one was more messed up.

    This was one of two things he thought about a lot. It was Saturday now, and the two boys were walking to the Murphy household, ready to give them the emails. They walked in silence- but there was no awkwardness to it. The seniors somehow made a mental agreement that today was for zoning out in thought.

    Being a spirit is… painful. It’s funny; he always wished he was invisible, and now that he is, he can’t take it. When they found his body, his mom walked  _ right through him _ . He was yelling so loud, trying  _ so hard _ to get her attention, screaming at her and-

    He shakes the painful memory away. He has to remember that Evan’s right next to him, in deep thought as well. For a moment, he tries to imagine what the shorter boy is thinking about. He’s staring down to his feet with a neutral expression on his face, but the ghost swears that, just for a moment, the poker-faced smile twitches into a frown.

    It’s stupid, but that tiny little twitch is enough to make the phantom’s heart lurch, just a bit. He thinks back to that Thursday evening, Evan crying in his arms, and all he wants to do now is hug the boy once again. But then he’s reminded of what happened after that, going to the Apple Orchard, flying Evan into a tree, hearing him laugh, seeing him smile.  _ Well shit. _

    There’s the second thing; Evan  _ fucking _ Hansen: the first boy in a long while to make Connor’s chest tighten like that. And it’s not like he’s surprised it’s a boy or anything; Connor had accepted his homosexuality long ago, and was aware of it for even longer. What surprises him is how quickly it happened. It had been 2 years since a boy made his heart stop like that, and that had taken a few weeks to develop. But Evan - adorable, sweet, intelligent, amazing-in-every-single-way Evan - had managed to (literally?) sweep the wraith off his feet in such a short amount of time. He hated that he could  ~~ fall in love ~~ grow a crush so quickly, but, despite hating to admit it, he kind of liked feeling like this again. 

    What was he thinking about before? Right, ghost shit.

    Despite the  _ being invisible _ part of being a phantom, there were a lot of benefits; no more addiction to pot, no more school (kind of), and no more walking. Best of all, he’s never really alone. At first, Connor thought that to be one of the worst predicaments to being a ghost; embarrassingly enough, though, he never truly wanted to be alone. Of course, that’s not completely true, as an introvert. He still gets the downtime he needs while Evan’s asleep, or in moments like this when they both agree that they need some time in their own heads. That’s one advantage to having a fellow introvert being bound to you.

    Right, the  _ bounding thing _ . If you separate that from the rest of the fuckload of thoughts, you could say that there are three main things Connor has been thinking about a ton.

    He couldn’t find any logical reason as to why the two of them were stuck with each other like this. He knows what Hansen thinks; the note caused Connor Murphy to go off the edge and end it. Fortunately, that was nowhere near the truth. His strange letter didn’t even come to mind as he - y’know. 

    Yesterday, the word “soulmate” popped into Connor’s mind, but it was immediately dismissed. Even if the Phantom believed in soulmates, there is just absolutely no way that the sweet, adorable, anxiety-filled Evan Hansen likes the angry, pathetic mess that is Connor Murphy. That was just a goddamn fact and no one could deny it.

    Connor was suddenly broken out of his thoughts by a tap on his shoulder. The two seniors were now standing at the doorstep of his - or what used to be his - house.

    Evan rang the doorbell and began to anxiously sort through the emails. “D-do you think these will be, um, good enough? Like, will they b-believe they’re real?”

    “I’m sure they’ll be fine, Hansen. We wrote them, didn’t we?” He couldn’t remember if Evan took his anxiety pill that morning, but asking would seem rude, right? 

    His mom answered the door and politely beckoned Evan to come in. She held a smile on her face that screamed ‘fake’ so loud, the whole town could hear it. She shut the door before Connor could enter, leaving the ghost a harsh reminder that she would never see him again as he fades through the door.

    “I-I.. b-brought you the emails! You can read them now if y-you want to of course, or you c-can read them later and I can just leave.” In that moment Connor decided that it was likely Evan did not take his pill. He would remind him later, but for now, he had to figure out a way to comfort the boy.

    He thinks back to when Evan held his hand to stop him from getting angry. Unfortunately, grabbing onto one of Evan’s hands would look pretty strange to the outside world right now. He decided to place a hand on his shoulder as an alternative.

    His mom eagerly took the papers from Evan, skimming through them with her reading glasses now on. After a few seconds, you could tell she was trying to hold in tears.

    “Evan, these are wonderful. I feel like I have so much to learn about my own son. Do you have any more of these?” 

    “No-  _ I mean _ , yes! I-I just, I’m so busy with school, and-”

    “It’s okay. But if you ever get the time, I would love to see more, Evan. Why don’t you go show Zoe, upstairs?” The senior nods and hurries up to Zoe with the emails in hand.

    A wave of nerves suddenly rushes through Connor. Zoe is mentioned a few times in those emails, and they all share what the ghost  _ truly _ feels about his younger sister, things that she has never heard from him before. He has no idea how she will react.

    They see Zoe sitting in Connor’s bedroom, reading what looks to be the dead boy’s ‘suicide note’. Before Evan can even knock on the open door, she notices his presence.

    “Evan, why am I mentioned in this note? What does he even mean by this?” she flips the note towards Evan, pointing at the paragraph where she is mentioned.

    The night before, Evan told the spirit why her name was in that note. Turns out that the boy had a crush on her last year. Even though he believed he never stood a chance, he would pin a lot of hope onto her to help him keep going. But then he began to notice the way she looked at someone else, with bright eyes and a light blush. After a while, he saw that the  _ someone else _ gave her a similar look in return when they thought no one was looking. He decided then to give up on Zoe, which left him without much to be hopeful for. (He refuses to tell Connor who this other person is, for “Zoe’s privacy.”)

    “Oh! W-well, uh, he talked a lot about you.” Evan flipped through the emails in his hands, not making eye contact with Zoe. “H-he really… cared, about you.”

    “There’s no way we’re talking about the same person,” Zoe says bluntly, narrowing her eyes. “Connor never gave a shit about me.”

    “That’s not true! I just- I didn’t know how to-” The Phantom feels his anger boiling up, but he isn’t getting mad at Zoe or Evan; he’s angry at himself. His hands tighten into fists, but suddenly the rage Connor is used to feeling is replaced by the overwhelming emotion known as  _ guilt _ .

    “N-no! Um, I know he w-wasn’t always the best to you,” That makes both Connor and Zoe let out a sarcastic snort, because he was  _ awful _ to her. “But he really did care about you! He just… never knew how to show you.” 

    “If he cared about me so much, then prove it.” With that, Evan handed her the emails. She read them as quickly as she could. Her brows furrowed every time her name appeared on the pages. 

    “Connor… really wrote these?” Evan nodded. “I don’t get it. Why did he never say anything to me? Why did he treat me like this?”

    Connor shivered at those words, but Evan seemed to know exactly how to respond. “Connor was, um, going through a lot, a-and he started doing bad stuff. I-I think… when he realized how bad he was to you, you were already… too far away? H-he could never find the right words to make it up to you.”

    Zoe stared at the papers in her hands and sighed. “Thanks for telling me all this, Evan. Can I keep these?”

    “O-of course. I should probably g-get going. Um, see ya!” Evan scurried out of the room and downstairs. He gave a quick goodbye to Connor’s mom before heading home.

    Connor was surprised how well Evan had taken that situation. If this happened sooner, with Connor saying those words instead of Evan, then maybe he wouldn’t be here in the first place.

    The ghost suddenly felt… mentally and physically lighter. It’s as if he were carrying a giant backpack on his back, and some of its content had just fallen out. It was relieving, of course, but it also made him feel just a bit uneasy.

    “Hey, Evan?”

    “I’m sorry, d-did I go too far? You probably didn’t want me to say those things, I-I should have just-” Connor once again placed his hand on the shorter boy's shoulder.

    “Thanks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh, I wonder who Zoe's mystery crush is. I'm sure most of you probably have a good guess.  
> For now, no more breaks! We are back to our regular schedule of updating every Sunday. While you wait for the next update, I have a question for you; why do you think in Connor's perspective words like "Phantom" and "Wraith" are used, but only "ghost" and "spirit" are used in Evan's perspective?


	8. (Almost) forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world almost forgets about Connor Murphy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear these chapters just keep getting longer and longer, whoops!  
> My whole morning was spent editing this after my beta reader told me it was "pretty good, but not the best you can do." I still don't think it's the best, but it's hopefully a bit better!

   Throughout the next few weeks, a routine was formed; Evan goes to school and deals with Jared’s strange ways of getting attention, Alana’s sudden interest in talking with him, and casual conversations with Zoe (or as casual as you can get with Evan). Most of his time after school is spent at Connor’s house, but every few days or so the two boys will simply chill in Evan’s room, talking about nothing or not talking at all.

    Both Evan and Connor have built comfort into this routine, and the lying portion of it all barely even seems like lying with how close they have grown. For a moment, Evan wonders if that could be considered unhealthy, being so happy wrapped in such a lie, but the thought is immediately dismissed; this is the happiest he’s been for a long time, so why-

    “Evan! Are you even listening? If you don’t do something Connor will just become forgotten history!” Alana said, snapping Evan out of his own thoughts. “No more posters, no more mourning, no more thoughtful prayers to his family. It’ll all be gone in an instant!”

    “W-what do you mean, why would that happen?”

    “Have you heard anything about him around the school or on social media these past couple days?” Zoe joins in. “He’s just old news now. Just part of another statistic.”

    “St-statistic? After just a f-few weeks? That doesn’t make any sense, there’s no way everyone just stopped caring so quickly, right?” The blue-eyed boy glanced over his shoulder to Connor.

    The ghost simply shrugged in return. “It’s no big deal dude, it’s not like I did anything worth remembering.” He said it so casually and matter-of-factly, but Evan could swear he heard a tinge of sadness in those words.

    That was enough motivation for him to make people remember Connor Murphy. “I have to get home. I’ll, uh, see you guys later, okay?” They said their goodbyes as Evan rushed out of the school doors.

 

    “The ‘Connor Murphy project’? Are you serious? I think this is a bit too much for some dead kid, Evan,” Connor argued as Evan typed away at his laptop. The two were now in Evan’s room, Connor aimlessly floating around the room, as if he were pacing, and Evan sitting on his bed, keeping his eyes focused on the laptop on his lap. “This is the kind of stuff you do for a guy who like… died saving a baby from a fire or something, not a kid who was only known for throwing a printer at someone in elementary school.”

    “I-I just think that… a person shouldn’t be forgotten, so quickly and, w-well, you’re a good person so-”

    “A good person? Hansen, I could give you about a hundred different reasons to why I’m nowhere near a good person.” The spirit looked down at his hands. “If I was a ‘good person’, then I wouldn’t be  _ floating _ here in the first place!”

    “That’s not- you don’t deserve to just be f-forgotten like that. A-and maybe it could help… others, who are struggling. We could-”

    “You really think anything is going to change by you doing this? You think sharing the memories of some worthless kid is going to make the world a better place? News flash Evan: it doesn’t fucking work like that. I’m not the first person to disappear so quickly, and I won’t be the last. Some people just… aren’t worth remembering!” Small tears began to prickle in the ghost’s eyes. They were barely noticeable; many people would have never detected the small, yet significant detail. Evan, however, didn’t even have to look at his eyes to know.

    “ _ Stop saying stuff like that! _ ” Evan’s sudden raise of voice caught both of them off guard. He let out a short sigh before continuing. “M-maybe you didn’t do anything b-big, like George Washington or, uh, Picasso? But over the past few weeks, you’ve really… You’ve helped me a lot, and I have- I’ve been happier? I-I just, I feel like you’ve done s-so much for me now.” He felt his face heat up, but he made eye contact with Connor anyways. He needed to know this. “You’re a good person Connor. Just let me repay you, just this once?”

    Connor turned his head away, shoulders suddenly drooping down. “ _ Shit _ ,” Connor hissed out, rubbing at his left eye. “I’ve been a real dick, haven’t I? I’m sorry, Evan.” Those words sounded so interesting to Evan when they were said by Connor, and he could not figure out why. Maybe it was because just a few weeks ago, on that not-so-fateful day in the computer lab, the senior didn’t think any words relating to an apology were in the long-haired boy’s vocabulary. Now, here he was, apologizing for nothing.

    “Connor, you just pulled an ‘Evan Hansen.”

    Connor’s brow raised in confusion. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

    “A-apologizing for no reason. Jared made it up…” He made it up 5 years ago, to be exact, and told everyone in their first-period class. Could he really be mad at Jared though? He did apologize quite a lot; it just another one of his many annoying, nervous habits.

    The ghost laughed,  _ snorted _ , and it was just about the cutest thing he had ever seen and heard Connor Murphy ever do. Nothing could ever top that. “Of course Kleinman made it up. What an asshole.” At some other time, Evan might disagree (to an extent), but right now he felt like the best thing to do was to laugh along with Connor.

    They let their laughs die out, leaving them in a small moment of comforting silence. In those short few seconds, there was no feeling of awkwardness to be found. There was no nervous tension. For just a moment, the two boys just smiled at each other.

    Unfortunately, Evan had to break the silence. “No one deserves to be forgotten.”

    “Even dicks like me?” 

    Evan’s smile brightened. “Yeah,  _ especially _ dicks like you.”

    Connor kneeled down in front of the shorter boy. He had to remember to  _ ignore _ the strong urge to kiss him.

    “You’re too adorable for cursing, Tree Boy.” Evan’s face heated up once again, but before he had any time to react, the ghost simply stood up and ruffled Evan’s hair. “Now let’s get working on this project, shall we?”

   Evan didn’t want to assume anything, but… there was no way this was heterosexual behavior, right?. Most straight guys at this age would throw out a “no homo” after a statement like that, but this is the second time the Spirit had called him adorable, and one in a handful of times Connor had somewhat flirted with the shorter boy. Who knows, maybe he just has an extremely flirtatious personality hidden in his shell?

    Because never in a million years would Connor Murphy like Evan Hansen back.

 

    “Evan, this is amazing!” Alana said enthusiastically.

    “Did you seriously make this all in one night? You really do have no life.” Jared chimed in, looking at Evan’s rough draft of a website design on the anxious senior’s laptop.

    “Err, I h-had a little help?”

    “You would obviously be president, so I’ll be vice president! No, no, that would be unfair; we’ll be co-presidents! Connor was my  _ closest _ acquaintance, after all.” Connor muttered out a ‘bullshit’ at that, pretending to stifle a cough (which made it even funnier, considering ghosts probably don’t cough). “Oh. Jared, you can be… treasurer!”

    Jared shrugged. “Good enough for me.”

    The rest of the week was spent planning, finishing the website, and spreading the word. The school board was obviously the first ones to be informed, so they could plan the memorial assembly. The CMP (Connor Murphy Project) website was posted all around social media, and even on the school’s site. Practically overnight, the CMP page got about 50 followers.

    The three (four, including Connor) went to the Murphys' next to share the news. Mr. Murphy was surprised, but otherwise did not show much interest. Mrs. Murphy was thrilled; the usual tears and tight hugs ensued. It was something Evan had mostly grown used to these past few weeks, but there was still a bit of shock with every hug from her. Zoe, once seeing Alana, decided to help out with the project. But despite Mrs. Murphy and Alana insisting she should, she immediately refused to speak during the assembly.

    “Oh, I can’t wait to hear what you have to say, Evan!” Alana cheered. “Have you already gotten your speech written? I’ll have the honors of introducing you to the crowd.”

    “Evan, you should tell them about the day you broke your arm. It’s a beautiful story.” Mrs. Murphy added.

    “I-I didn’t- Y-you don’t want to hear me s-speak, in front of s-so many people? I-I’ll talk too fast and stutter a lot and I’ll do that thing where I think my hands are sweaty but they’re not but thenbecauseIthoughtaboutitthey’llbesweatyand-”

    Connor placed a comforting (but cold) hand on Evan’s shoulder. He had been doing that a lot lately, supposedly trying to calm the anxiety-filled boy’s nerves, which did work a bit.

    Surprisingly, though, Mrs. Murphy made a similar action, resting her hand on Evan’s right shoulder instead. “We would love to hear anything you’d have to say, Evan. I’m sure your school would as well.”

    “Yeah, dude.” Jared placed a hand on Evan's back to phane consoling. “They  _ would _ want to hear from Connor’s  _ best friend _ , right?” For a moment, Evan forgot that Jared knew the truth, and was afraid he was onto him.

    “Y-yeah, I guess so.” And suddenly an idea came into his head.

 

    That’s how he ended up “backstage” in the school’s gym, aka the P.E storage room, shuffling through his notes and fearfully waiting for his cue.

    “Drink some water before you go up there, Tree Boy. You don’t want to have a dry throat.” Connor advised.

    The “Tree Boy” grabbed a water bottle per Connor’s request, trying to drink it slowly. It wasn’t just the crowds of his fellow students making him nervous. “Um, hey Connor? Could you maybe, uh, sit on the bleachers while I give the speech?”

     “You don’t want me up there with you?”

    “N-no, it’s not that. Um.”  _ Deep Breaths, Hansen _ . “This speech is kinda… for you? So I-I think I should be actually saying it, to you. I-if that’s alright, of course.”

    “Uh, I guess so? I should be able to get far enough away from you to do that, but it’ll be pretty crowded. I might just have to float over the crowd. Is that okay?”

    “Y-yeah, that’s-” he was interrupted by Alana ushering him towards the stage. He must have missed his cue.

    “Your time to shine, Hansen. I’ll be in the bleachers.” Connor floated towards the crowd of students as Evan walked up to the stage.

    He looked at Connor as he struggled to find a good place on the bleachers. Once he finally settled, the spirit looked back at him and gave a small smile. The long-haired boy was currently keeping his hair up in a ponytail (where did he get a hair tie???). It made Evan retract his statement about Connor snorting while laughing being the cutest thing ever because  _ holy crap _ , Connor looked really good with his hair up.

    Unfortunately, there was no time to gawk at Connor, because he was currently up on a stage with the whole school’s eyes on him. He could feel his hands begin to get sweaty, and his legs beginning to lose balance. He half-regrets his decision to tell Connor to sit in the bleachers.

    There is no turning back now. He grabbed the microphone and took one last deep breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed hearing all your theories on the last chapter! You were pretty much all correct, but no one got the point I was looking for. As an award for the amazing comments, I'll tell you!  
> You guys mostly focused on why Connor used those words, which is understandable, but what's more interesting to me is why Evan DOESN'T use them. It's important to note that Phantom can also mean a figment of your imagination, and Wraith can mean a ghost-like image of someone. Obviously, Connor isn't these things; I promise you he is a legitimate ghost. But Evan has a fear deep down that Connor's ghost is just another lie his mind made up to make him feel happy.  
> Since I loved all your theories so much, I have another question for you that you've probably been wondering about for awhile now! Why do you think Connor is really stuck with Evan?


	9. Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan gives a speech.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOO I had a fun time writing this chapter! I was originally going to stick with the normal Evan perspective so you could get all those anxiety-fueled thoughts, but I decided it would be better in Connor's. ouo  
> Enjoy!

    The first strange thing Connor noticed was that Evan was not holding the note cards he had backstage. For a moment, he thought that maybe Evan had just forgotten them, but there were no signs of panic in the boy; he was obviously nervous, shown by his hunched posture and darting his eyes around the crowd, but otherwise, he didn’t seem too distressed.

    The “stage” was a large, foldable platform on wheels with a podium placed on it, centered in the gym. Behind Evan was a screen projecting the words “Connor Murphy Project”, along with a picture of the dead boy’s face; not embarrassing at all!

    “Uh, hi, f-fellow students!” The microphone made an awful high-pitched sound that would have surely hurt the ghost’s ears if he could feel pain.  _ "Oh, _ oh god, I’m sorry. um.” Jesus, this was going to be a mess. He really wished he could be up there with the anxiety-filled student, to calm him in any way he could, but he would comply with Evan’s wishes for now.

    The boy on stage took another deep breath and stood up a bit straighter. “I’m Evan Hansen, and, um, I am-  _ was _ Connor Murphy’s b-best friend.” He glanced over to Connor, who gave him a thumbs up. He almost seemed to smile back, until he once again realized he was in front of a crowd of more than 800 students. “But Alanaprobablyalreadytoldyouthatsorry.”

    For a moment, he thought that Evan was going to run off the stage, but he kept going. “Uh, n-not many people really knew C-Connor like I do. M-maybe you had a couple classes with him, or you j-just saw him in the hallways once in awhile? B-but I don’t think anyone  _ really  _ heard him, until now.” He was scratching at his arm to the point where it might start bleeding, but besides that, it seemed he was beginning to calm down, just a bit.

    Connor had no idea where the boy was going with such a speech, but it was mostly true; if someone  _ did _ hear him when he was alive, then- well, he would still be alive, wouldn’t he?

    This was all extremely weird to him. Just a month ago, no one gave a damn about Connor; he was just the future school shooter. The moment everyone saw what he was going through was the moment it became too late.

    He could be mad at all these people, acting like they suddenly care, but he can’t. Because there’s Evan, someone who for  _ fucking once, _ understands and cares about Connor,  _ hears _ him. And he was standing in front of hundreds of students, despite his major social anxiety, to talk about Connor. No one knows Connor Murphy except him.

    For a moment, he forgot to listen to the words coming out of Evan’s mouth and instead began to study the boy’s body language, which was quickly replaced with just looking at Evan. For once, he was not wearing a polo; he had a nice, plain button down shirt that was obviously blue (not that he’s complaining, blue looks great on him) and a black tie. Actually, now that he was looking closer, the tie was a dark navy blue, _ of course _ .

    The phantom momentarily chuckled to himself, thinking back to one of the first nights he was stuck with Evan when he began to snoop around Evan’s room while he was asleep, finding that practically  _ everything _ in his closet was blue. And then he remembered that Evan was currently speaking for him right now and that he should probably be listening.

    “I-I think a lot of us can, um, relate, to Connor, in some way. Maybe you- you’ve felt forgotten before, l-like nobody's really… listening to you? A-and maybe you’re too, too scared to call out for help, or y-you have tried, and no one came.” Connor’s almost sure that no one else saw it, but he could swear that Evan momentarily glared at his cast. That simple gesture made his heart lurch.

    “I think... I-I think that, maybe, we have all felt like that, at some point. A-and we never truly know what- you probably don’t even completely know what the people sitting right next to you are dealing with.”

    Multiple people in the crowd began to hesitantly glance at their peers, all thinking the same thing. Without even meaning to, Connor did the same, eyes locking onto Jared Kleinman, who had been standing to the side of the bleachers with Alana. His eyes were lowered to the ground, arms wrapped around himself. It appeared that he was trying to hold in tears. Alana, however, was much better at hiding her anxiety and insecurities, through years of practicing fake smiles and distracting herself with school. He couldn’t be the only one who saw straight through their facades.

    I guess Evan was right; you really don’t know what all these people are going through.

    “B-but I think… even if you’ve given up all hope, even if you’ve thought about, um, f-following Connor’s footsteps, if you can call out, just one last try… someone  _ will _ find you.” Connor searched through the waves of students around him. Some held small smiles on their faces; those were the people who had already been found. Then there was the rest of the kids, some with glimmers of hope shining in their eyes, and others with slumped bodies and drained faces; they were still waiting.

    “A-and, trust me, I-I know that it isn’t all that simple. Maybe… maybe you can’t call out anymore, a-and you’ve been climbing for  _ so _ long, and you just want to let go  _ so badly _ . But please, just hold on for a bit longer, because I think- I  _ know _ that there’s someone out there that will find you, or you’ll find them, and all those lonely thoughts will become so small.” 

    Evan took a shaky breath, and locked eyes with Connor once again, the ghost looking back with what he could only imagine was a look of pure admiration and shock. “A-and, wherever Connor is now, I hope that… he’s found that someone.”

    The crowd began to cheer and applaud as Evan practically sprinted off-stage, Connor following close behind, whether he would like to or not. Alana quickly moved up to the stage prepared to give the ending words of the assembly. Jared, however, was missing from the main gym area, most likely backstage.

    He expected Evan to head backstage as well, but instead, the anxious boy exited the gym entirely, entering the nearest bathroom, with thankfully no other people in it.

    The bathrooms at their school were gender-neutral, and actually quite nice for school restrooms. They were kept clean by some poor, unappreciated night janitor. However, if you came in at the right time, you could catch sight of some hilarious and/or cruel graffiti on the blue stalls.

    Connor was about to ask if he needed privacy, but Evan immediately began to ramble. “I’m so sorry, you probably didn’t- I s-said a lot, and, and-”

    “Hansen, chill.” The boy was pacing back and forth around the bathroom, Connor just watching as he slightly panicked.

    “N-no, no I- I’m sorry, I should have- I c-could have gone over it with you, so you could, could take out what you don’t like, cause, it wasn’t my business to- I shouldn’t have shared all that, I’m sorry.”

    “Evan-”

    “O-or maybe I j-just- I could have not gone up at all, be-because I really just embarrassed myself, and I probably- I embarrassed you, and I just-”

    “ _ Evan _ .” The ghost grabbed onto Evan’s wrist, stopping his blathering. It wasn’t aggressive per se, it was just to get him to stop pacing.

    “I’m sorry,” Evan said for the thousandth time.

    “You literally have nothing to apologize for. You did great.” The anxious boy’s face turned pink at the compliment, or maybe it was because of the sudden close proximity between the two. Maybe both.

    For a few moments longer than what would be considered socially normal, the two boys simply stared at each other, neither knowing what move to make next. For less than a millisecond, Connor’s eyes drifted to the shorter boy’s lips and immediately looked away. If he thought about kissing him now he might actually do it.

    Connor was about to break the silence, say they should probably get back to the gym and meet up with Jared and Alana for the end of the assembly, but Evan broke it for them with a question he thought he would never be asked by anyone, especially not Evan Hansen.

    “Can I kiss you?”

_ Holy shit holy shit holy shit  _ was all Connor could think right now as Evan began to panic. “Oh my god I’m so sorry Idon’tknowwherethatcamefromIknowyou’dneverwant-”

_  Fuck it. _ Connor placed his hands on Evan’s cheeks and connected their lips together.

    It only took a moment of shock before Evan began to kiss the spirit back. Connor had no clue what he was doing, and he assumed the blonde in front of him didn’t either, but who the hell cared because this was absolutely perfect. In between all the  _ holy shit _ ’s circling the phantom’s mind, the song “Heaven is a place on Earth” popped in his head. But heaven wasn’t a place, it was a person. It was Evan fucking Hansen.

    God, when did he turn into such a sap?

    They broke apart and, almost immediately, Connor wanted to kiss Evan again because he had the most adorable smile on his face, and then he realized that he was smiling too.

    “I never thought my first kiss would be with a dead boy in a school bathroom,” Evan confessed. No stuttering, no unnecessary apologies, no anxiety to be seen in this moment.

    “I never thought my first kiss would be with someone so amazing.” He actually didn’t even think he’d ever get a first kiss at all.

    “Can you do that again?” There was no hesitation in his voice.

    “Hmm… I don’t know, you may just have to do it yourself, Tree Boy.” You could hear the smirk in his voice from a mile away.

    Once again, no hesitation; Evan connected their lips once again, and it was just as amazing as the first, perhaps even better.

    Later, they would have to have a painfully awkward conversation about this moment, what it all meant and what was next for them. But even if they decided to stay friends, even if the kiss meant nothing to Evan, it was completely worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They did it, guys!! The kiss!! I've been winging it with this fic quite a lot, but I knew from the beginning that I wanted them to kiss after Evan's speech. Since this is my first fic, I would love some feedback! Let me know if the kiss was too rushed, or any ways it could have been improved for stories I write in the future!


	10. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan meets someone new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the last chapter was "You will be Found" in the musical, I guess that means we are officially into act 2!  
> Your comments on the last chapter were awesome! (I almost cried reading the first batch of them) I'm glad you guys are enjoying the story as much as I enjoy writing it.

    As much as Evan would have loved to just stay in a school bathroom with Connor forever, he still had the rest of the school day to deal with. “Um, we should-”

    “You better not be jacking off in here, Ev,” Jared interrupted, barging into the bathroom, making Evan practically shriek from the suddenness of it all.

    “I’m not! I was just- uh, I-I was… calming down?” It wasn’t a complete lie; he did originally head to the bathroom to calm his anxiety, almost forgetting that a certain ghost would be forced to follow him.

    “Ah, right.” The insecure teen stood in front of Evan, appearingly pondering what to say. “Uh, you did good up there.”

    Did Jared Kleinman seriously just compliment him? “Oh! Um, th-thank you, Jar.”

    “Compared to the last time you publicly spoke, I mean.” There it was. “Don’t you remember that opinion paper you had to present in front of the class? You couldn’t even say your name without panicking and rushing out of the room.”

    “Y-yeah, I- I remember no one coming to get me as I had a panic attack i-in this exact bathroom, actually.” He immediately regrets letting those words leave his mouth. He doesn’t even know why he said it; it’s an awful thing to do, but maybe he  _ wanted _ Jared to feel bad for not coming to get him then.

_ Why would he come to get you? Do you really think anyone wants to deal with you when you’re like  _ **_that?_ **

__ He froze. These thoughts weren’t anything new, and one quick search online could tell you that these were common in patients with anxiety. This one, however, was different.

_ Do you really think you deserve this? _

    This one had a voice that wasn’t Evan’s. One that was very, very familiar.

    He shook the thoughts away as Jared changed the subject. “I think Alana wants to meet up with us before next period. I’ll meet you ‘backstage’ if you need to… cool off more or whatever.” He began to walk out of the bathroom but stopped in his tracks to say one last thing.

    “Connor would be proud of you.” It was such a strange statement to hear from Jared. There was no witty punchline to it, no cruelness. He immediately rushed out of the restroom, leaving Evan seemingly by himself.

    “Well that was certainly interesting,” Connor noted, slightly smiling at Evan. “Shall we head out?”

    “Y-yeah, yes, let’s uh, head out.” Evan gave an equally slight grin in return as they made their way to the gym once again.

    It took possibly all his willpower to remember that no one else could see Connor, and grabbing his hand would be a potentially horrible idea. However, that did not stop the ghost from grazing his hand against the shorter boy’s as they walked, possibly driving Evan to madness from the innocent temptation.

    The moment they entered the storage area, Evan was greeted with an excited hug from none other than Alana. “Oh my god, Evan! Your speech was beautiful! Did you just come up with all that on the spot?”

    Her tight embrace was replaced with her grabbing both of Evan’s hands, which prevented many of his nervous habits. To any unknowing eyes, the gesture can easily be excused as Alana being Alana; but as a girl who shares a similar mental issue with Evan (despite playing it off very differently), it isn’t too far of a leap to speculate that the prevention of the boy’s typical fidgeting was a deliberate move by Alana.

    Unfortunately, though, he could still bite his lip. “I uh, yeah, p-pretty much. I-I had notecards, but they weren’t- I didn’t actually-”

    Jared, who was pretending Evan wasn’t there when he first walked in, interrupted him, a habit he really needed to work on. “You mean these notecards?”

    Evan lurched forward, tugging out of Alana’s hands. “Don’t read those! They, um-”

    “Stay calm? Keep breathing?” Jared read from the notes, snorting. “Jesus, you might as well have written ‘don’t be a fucking spaz.’ in big letters on your cast.” It seemed the Jared in the bathroom was completely forgotten about, replaced with his usual self. It was almost strangely calming.

    Before Evan could respond, the conversation was interrupted by the loud school bell, making Evan jump.

    “I-I should probably, um, get to class.” And with that, he rushed to his third period, glad that neither Jared or Alana had the next few classes with him so he could have time to think.

 

    Any time Evan actually got to think was spent thinking about Connor. It’s so strange too, because it’s the first time he wishes Connor didn’t have to be constantly next to him. Don’t be mistaken, Connor being stuck with him is one of the best things to ever happen to the boy, but it might be easier to think about the ghost, and their situation, if he wasn’t always just a glance away.

    But now, as they walk home in an awkward, yet pleasant silence, he can finally think clearly without someone giving him praise for his speech or without a teacher to tell him to stop daydreaming and get to work.

    Connor  **kissed** him. Why?

_ Because he likes you, idiot. Why else? _ Evan was thankful to hear his own voice in his thoughts, unlike before.

    It seemed like such a simple explanation for it all, but he still couldn’t help to ask himself  _ why.  _ Why would Connor like him? He certainly wasn’t very attractive; his forehead was a bit too big, his nose just a bit too wide, and when everything about you is just a bit off, it adds up. A lot.

    Even if Connor could look past the physical features of Evan, everything else about him was even worse. Sure, he was smart enough to get mostly A’s, and people seemed to think his writing was quite good, but that was about it. He rambled too much, he couldn’t even speak a full sentence without stuttering most of the time, and-

_ It’s pity. You really think anyone would actually like you?  _

__ Shit.

_ I could never love you. I’m just stuck with you. _ It was Connor’s voice.

    He looked at the ghost beside him, who seemed to be deep in thought himself. There was no way he actually said that. There was no way he would actually think that, right?

_ I don’t give a fuck about you. Nobody does. Everybody just feels bad about how  _ **_pathetic_ ** _ you are.  _ He couldn’t make it stop. He didn’t even realize he was hyperventilating.

    “Shit, Evan, are you okay? Do you need to sit down?”  _ You’re just being a nuisance. _

    “I-I”  _ Speak like a fucking normal person _ . “N-no I-”  _ Stop _ .

    “Fuck, um, Evan, deep breaths.”  _ Stop being such a whiny bitch.  _ “Breathe with me, okay? In, out. In, out.”  _ Stop! _

    Silence. It took him a moment to realize that he yelled that out loud.

    His breathing began to slow again, and for the first time, he finally noticed that he was sitting in the middle of the sidewalk, Connor holding both of his hands similar to how Alana did earlier. He let himself fall into the ghost’s cold, yet comforting arms.

    “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t- I didn’t-” He wasn’t even quite sure what he was trying to tell Connor, but the spirit simply shushed him.

    “It’s okay, Evan. Just breathe.”

    He couldn’t help but feel like he didn’t deserve this. He couldn’t help but feel like this was all fake, but he selfishly accepted the comfort anyway.

    Connor carefully helped Evan off the ground, walking home in silence once again. It wasn’t the same slightly awkward quietness they had before; it was a fragile, almost toxic silence that, for now, was much needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor 2.0 makes an entrance! What, did you think just because the REAL Connor is here, Evan wouldn't have him in his head?


	11. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the late update! I was gone the whole day yesterday and COMPLETELY forgot to post this! Don't worry, I was punished by severe sunburn T-T  
> Also, sorry if this chapter isn't that good! I kinda had to rush it and didn't have time to give it to my beta reader. If you're getting tired of all the angst, there's a bit of fluff at the end of this chapter as an apology :)

    “Sooo…” Connor broke the silence, rubbing the back of his neck in discomfort.

    It had been about an hour since Evan’s panic attack - he’s not even sure if it can really be labeled as such; he’s had MUCH worse in the past - and the two were now in Evan’s room, both not knowing what move to make next. The ghost let Evan take a nap, though he barely slept during that time. Now that the anxious boy had awoken completely, they were bathing in the awkward air.

    “Ah, um, is this the part where we, t-talk? About the uh…” The kiss? The breakdown? The future?

_ Their  _ future?

    “Yeah, that’s uh, probably a good idea. But, if you need more time to… chill and all that, since it hasn’t been long after your-”

    “N-no, no, I- I’m fine to talk if you are,” Evan would have loved to wait longer, but if he was given the option, he might wait forever. No, this needed to be done now if he wanted to stay sane.

    “Right, okay. Uh, but first, do you want to talk about what… caused that?” Even Connor sounded anxious, and Evan hated it. Conversations always came easily to them, whether it was emotional or just mindless talk. This wasn’t natural.

    “No! N-no, um, I’d rather not, do that. Let’s just talk about the o-other thing.”

    Connor “sat” next to Evan on his bed, sighing. “The kiss?” It was almost like a game, seeing who would mention the kiss directly first, and neither was sure if Connor won or lost the game.

    Evan sighed as well, looking away from the ghost floating next to him. “Look, if-” He didn’t want this. “I-I’m okay with just… forgetting about th-the kiss, if you want to.” But for Connor, he would pretend.

    There was a pause, just a short moment that felt like an eternity to the blonde haired boy until Connor said what he had secretly hoped for. “That’s not what I want, but if YOU do, we can.”

    “I-I really don’t, more- more than you could possibly know.” He thinks back to all of his old crushes; there was the dark-skinned boy in seventh grade with the beautiful and haunting blue eyes that made him realize he could like boys, the girl in fourth that he can barely remember, and then there was Zoe, the girl that meant the world to him not very long ago.

    Now, here was Connor, with his partially heterochromatic blue eyes and a smile you could never forget. Connor, who loves to read and draw and fold origami, who could secretly play the piano and offered to teach Evan sometime. Connor, who everyone thought would shoot up the school but is actually just a kind depressed boy who got trapped in some bad habits. Connor, who, if he actually tried in school, would be right alongside Alana in advanced classes. Connor, who gives Evan empathy and respect, who cares with a feeling of genuineness.

    Connor Murphy, who he would give the world to.

    He remembers when he first said the words in his mind just a month ago.  _ I’m falling in love with a ghost _ . Now that he thinks back to that moment, looking at Connor in the darkening sky at the orchard, he realizes that he was nowhere near  _ in love  _ with the spirit then. Infatuation, maybe, but no one falls in love in such a short amount of time together.

    It’s so much different now. Love is when you want to do anything in your power to make someone happy without expecting an award. It’s when you want to devote everything to them, and you crave a committed relationship not just for the feeling of love and happiness, but for them. It’s consistent and built on trust and care. You accept that they have flaws, that they are not perfect human beings, and you accept that there will be disagreements, and you will never be some “perfect” couple, but none of that will make you love them any less.

    He wouldn’t say it out loud, but he was pretty sure that this time, he was actually falling in love with Connor Murphy.

_ "Fuck. _ Okay, look, Hansen,” the ghost fell onto the bed, almost falling through it. “I uh, I like you quite a lot, I guess? But like, I’m literally a fucking ghost.”

     Evan's heart did a backflip in his chest with those words, and it took all his strength to resist smiling. _Connor Murphy just said he liked you a lot_. “Uh, so? Oh, and I-I guess I should say, I, um, l-like you a lot too?”

    Connor began to run his fingers through his own hair. “Uugh, Evan we still have  _ absolutely _ no fucking idea why I’m here and what is happening! First of all, no one can see me except you, which will be pretty weird in a relationship.”

    “Um, I-I don’t really mind that, but- if we really needed, t-to tell someone, you could always just pick me up? They’d see me floating, and, yeah.” People would believe them if they showed proof like that, right?

    The spirit suddenly sat up. “Holy shit, we could become magicians.” He looked at Evan with a smile, but the shorter boy only gave a nervous “eheh” in return, looking away. “Okay, but what about when you’re 80? What if I don’t age anymore? You don’t want to be dating an 18-year-old kid when you’re an old man, Evan.”

    “I-I...Well at least it’s legal, right?” Evan knows he should probably be serious right now, but all he can really think about is  _ Connor wants to be with him until he’s  _ _80_ .

    “Evan, this is serious! What if- what if I just disappear one day?” That certainly snapped him out of his thoughts.

    “I-I don’t think it’s- we shouldn’t th-think, like that.”

    “How can I not fucking think like that?!” Suddenly, Connor was up in front of Evan, making wide gestures with his arms. “I killed myself for a  _fucking reason_ . I was expecting to disappear, but whatever magical fucking force out there decided that for some shitty reason, Connor Murphy deserved a second chance?”

    Evan just simply sat there, taking in Connor’s yelling. He knew this would happen eventually. Even death can’t completely cure Connor; He’s still a depressed kid who needs help. There may be no drugs to set off his anger as easily anymore, but it’s still there.

    Being aware of that, Evan had already prepared himself for this situation. If it gets worse, he’s aware the spirit could say things he doesn’t mean, or get a little violent. He can stay calm for Connor.

    “And you know what? This time I’m scared! That’s right, the  _ freak _ school shooter that killed himself is afraid of dying again, all because suddenly, my life actually means something! So would you stop acting like everything’s fine, that I’m just some normal kid who’ll grow up and do great things in the world?! Because I’m fucking not! I’m a useless piece of-”

    He tried to punch the wall, but his hand went right through.

    He stopped everything, all of his exaggerated hand movements and yelling, all of his anger, and began to sob.

    Evan hugged him as tight as he could, letting the poor ghost grab tightly onto his hoodie and cry into his shoulder, and it sounded so much like that night so long ago, but this time he  _ was there _ . Neither of them had to be alone anymore.

    “I’m sorry,” Connor whispered as his sobs began to slow.

    “Y’know, if we really don’t know how much time we have, then maybe, maybe we should make the most of it?” Evan suggested.

    “Are you seriously asking me out right now, Hansen?” The spirit sat up from hugging Evan, not even caring that they were currently on the floor.

    “Uh, d-do you want me to… not do that?”

    “Hell no.” Suddenly Connor’s lips were on his for the third time that day, for a quick but sweet kiss. “Fuck waiting. I want to do shit with my ‘life’ before I disappear.”

    “S-so does that mean we’re uh, b-boyfriends?”

    Connor shrugged with a grin. “If you want to be.”

    “And all that stuff you were talking about… W-we’ll deal with it when we need to, right?”

    “Fuck, you should have suggested that sooner. I’m an idiot.”

    Evan felt himself smiling, and he couldn’t stop. “We’ll figure it all out, just the two of us. I uh, still got a long way to go before 80.”

    “Oh come on, Smart Boy! You missed the perfect opportunity to say ‘but you’re my idiot’!”

    “O-oh.” Just the fact that Connor was  _ his _ was still something his brain hadn’t completely processed yet. He didn’t think it was possible, but he felt his smile threaten to grow even bigger. “I promise I won’t miss out on the next chance.”  
  


    That night, Connor sat himself beside Evan’s bed, letting the tree lover run his fingers through his hair as he drifted off to sleep. Both of them had a very difficult time resisting the urge to scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woot! They're together now! We made it!  
> So if this is the "Only us" moment of our story, where is "To Break in a Glove"? Hey man, I can go out of order if I want, I'm the writer!  
> Once again, sorry for the late update!


	12. Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor are super fucking gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reasons I wrote this one in Connor's perspective:  
>  I have a lot of fun writing in his  
>  Needed those Gay Connor Thoughts™  
>  I wanted to bash on Larry as much as possible  
> Enjoy!

    Connor was so glad he didn’t need to sleep because he really needed this extra time to think about all the shit that just happened.

    Everything happened so fast; they were talking, he got angry and tried to punch the wall? Then he was on the floor crying? And now he was dating Evan (Holy shit!!).

    The ghost almost forgot what it was like to be that angry. Sure, he had his tense moments, some gone noticed by Evan and some not, but he really thought this ghost thing was making him  _ better _ . Guess death doesn’t kill mental disorders, huh?

    But honestly, who fucking cares about all that because HE’S DATING EVAN HANSEN. He really just wants to scream into a pillow (that wouldn’t really work though, cause he’s a fucking ghost), but internal screeching would have to do for now.

    He also really wished he could hold a pencil because drawing Evan sounded like the best idea ever right then.

    It was at 3:51 AM when Evan interrupted him from his gay thoughts. “Uh, hey Con, are you awake?”

    “As far as I know Hansen, it’s physically impossible for me to sleep.” The ghost tried to stay calm and not think about the nickname Evan was suddenly calling him. He almost called him “Ev” in return, until remembering that’s what Jared calls him. “What’s up?”

    “I, sorry I just, I can’t sleep.”

    “Anyway I can help?”

    “Um, no. I don’t think so. But uh, m-maybe we could write more emails for a bit?”

    For the next hour, that’s what they did; Evan sitting on the bed typing away with Connor still on the floor, resting his head against the other boy’s leg. It wasn’t long before Evan fell asleep.

 

    “Dude, dude! Have you looked at the project page this morning?” Jared practically screamed into the phone the moment Evan picked up.

    “Sh-should I have? I’m kinda busy, Jared. I’m, uh, walking to the Murphy’s.” Connor was surprised that the boy was staying mostly calm and collected on the phone. He remembered him mentioning not long ago how much phone calls give him anxiety, but he answered this one as if he didn’t have such issues at all.

    “I don’t care if you have to stop in the middle of the street, Ev. Check the site  _ now _ .” Evan reluctantly did as he was told, trying to walk and type into the address bar at the same time, until he suddenly completely froze.

    “...H-how did-”

    “I know, right? It’s fucking insane! Someone posted a video of your speech online and it just exploded!”

    “M-my speech did- I caused all of this?”

    “Yo, Hansen, what the fuck is happening?” Connor interjected as Evan showed him the small phone screen, and-

_ 16,239 followers.  _ “Holy shit Tree Boy, you’re famous!” but Evan smiled at the ghost and shook his head in disagreement.

    “No,  _ you _ are.”

    “Who are you talking to? Are you at the Murphy’s?” Jared said a bit too loudly (again) into the phone.

    Evan squealed, and it was kind of too adorable  _ not _ to laugh at, at least a bit. “N-no one! I uh, I gottagoJaredbye.” Before the boy on the other side of the call could even begin to respond, Evan hung up, sighing from relief.

    “You good?”

    “Y-yeah, sorry, yeah.” Evan put his phone in his pocket and began to play with his shirt, and Connor suddenly really wanted to hold his hand.

    They’re dating now, right? So he can just ask, right? Would Evan even want to? How do you even ask that? Would he-

_ You don’t know how much time you have left. _

    He looked around to make sure no one was near the two. “Hey Hansen, do you want to uh, hold my hand or something?” He refused to make eye contact, just offering one of his hands and keeping the other safely in his hoodie pocket. He kind of, sort of, really hated blushing.

    “Oh! I um, I mean, if  _ you _ want to, th-then uh-”

    God, why were they both freaking out about fucking hand holding? They’ve held hands before, multiple times! “Evan, if I’m asking you then I probably want to. I’m asking if  _ you  _ want to. And no, I don’t care if your hands are sweaty.”

    Instead of giving much of a verbal response, Evan was silent for a few moments before muttering out an “oh” and grabbing onto Connor’s hand

    They spent the rest of the short walk hand in hand, talking and laughing about whatever.

 

    “Evan, your speech was beautiful,” Connor’s mom said while reading over the emails. “And thank you for the emails, we- oh.” Her facial expression changed to one of realization in the span of just a second, eyes widening just a touch.

    “Y-yeah, we’re starting the uh, the fundraiser soon, for the Orchard. Is, is there something wrong with th-the emails?”

    Once again, her face turned in a split second, forcing a bright smile. “Oh no, nothing’s wrong with them! They’re wonderful, thank you.” She looked towards the emails, thinking for a moment. “But um, perhaps you should show Larry them! He’d love them, he’s just out in the garage.”

    “Oh, um, o-okay.” Evan was ushered off to the garage, leaving Connor to wonder what the fuck just happened.

    “D-do you have any idea why she was acting, um- do you think we, we made a mistake, o-or something?” Good to know Evan didn’t have a clue either.

    “I mean, we did write them at fucking 4 in the morning, so it’s definitely possible.” Connor shrugged it off. Unfortunately, he was more worried about  _ Larry _ .

    Speak of the devil (possibly literally): “Come to look through at all these old boxes with me?”

    “A-actually I, um- is that a baseball glove?” The ghost looked at the baseball glove Evan noticed. He remembers it; the man tried to give it to him a few Christmases ago, probably said something like “You’re a growing boy, you should be getting into some sports” or some other bullshit.

    “Do you want it? I got it for Connor, for his birthday I believe,”  _ wrong _ “but he was never into sports.”

    “I-I’m not really into sports either, s-sorry.”

    Larry made a sound somewhere in between a scoff and a laugh, and for some reason it really made Connor want to punch him. “Boys these days. When I was a kid, if a boy didn’t like sports he was a queer.”

    “O-oh, interesting.” God, did the man ever think before he let words out of his mouth?! How did he expect Evan to respond to that? “U-um, Cynthia wanted me to g-give these to you, to read.”

    Larry grabbed the emails from Evan’s hands, skimming through them. He turned to the next email after a few seconds, starting to slow down his reading until it was put to a complete stop. Instead of a “realization” face like Cynthia’s, he wore a more confused look, brows furrowed together.

    He set the papers down on the workbench. “Eh, I’ll read them later. So son, do you got a girlfriend? Maybe some special lady you're chasing after? That Alana chick is pretty cute.” Oh.  _ Oh. _

_ Oh my god,  _ they were being too gay in the emails.

    Connor couldn’t help but explode with laughter at the realization as Evan stammered out a response. “O-oh, um, n-no. Nothing like that.”

    Cynthia walked into the garage, thankfully interrupting their conversation. “Sorry Evan, I have to speak with Larry for a moment. Why don’t you stay over for dinner?”

    Oh boy, this would be interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too gay for the Murphy parents  
> Also fuck your baseball glove Larry  
> I only got like 3 comments on my last chapter so like if I'm doing bad just tell me, constructive criticism is welcome.


	13. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared texts Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanna know something fun guys? I almost killed off Jared in this chapter, just because. Thank god I decided to stick with the original plan, right?  
> Enjoy!

    “W-were we being too f-flirty?” Evan whispered to Connor as he headed towards the dining room.

    “Evan, it was 4 Am and we just started dating yesterday. I think it’s pretty fucking safe to assume we said something pretty gay in those emails.”

    “What should I say if- if they ask us?” He really should be saying “me,” not “us,” but it was nice to think that they were talking to both of them, that they could feel Connor’s presence.

    “Ugh, I guess say we were? Larry might give you a bit of shit for it but they all know I’m gay. I’m sure they wouldn’t really care if you were…” the ghost looked at him expectedly.

    “O-oh, um, pan.” Had he really never told him his sexuality? Wait.

    Was that the first time he said that out loud?

    “Right. Trust me, mom and Zoe will just brush it off and Larry will downright ignore it. I think it’ll just be easier to tell them that we are- ‘were’ dating. Feels less like lying, y’know?”

    Speaking of Zoe, she was currently sitting at the dining table, now looking up from her phone to greet Evan. “Hey Evan, what’s up? Hope my parents weren’t being too annoying.”

    Evan sat in the chair on the opposite end of Zoe, almost making the mistake of looking at Connor, expecting the ghost to sit down too.  _ Ghosts can’t sit on furniture, you idiot. _

    “N-nothing much, I was just, sh-showing them some more emails.” Evan squirmed in his chair, trying to think of a way to advance the conversation. Small talk was definitely not his forte. “Oh! Um, did you see the-the uh, CMP page today?”

    “Oh yeah! I have no idea how he got my number but Jared texted me about it. I can’t believe your speech got that viral.” Evan’s attempts to make actual conversation went well, for about 3 seconds; the awkward silence crept in fast.

    But Zoe broke it with a sigh. “Look dude, you don’t have to say anything but… were you and Connor like, a couple?” 

_ What? _ What made her figure it out? She didn’t read the emails! “How did you-”

    “Evan, I’m not as dumb as my parents,” the young girl interrupted. “Why else would you hide your so-called ‘friendship’ from everyone?”

    Evan groaned, hiding his face in his arms on the table. “I’m so stupid.”

    “Like Jared said, secret emails are pretty fucking gay,” Connor laughed, putting his arm around Evan.

    Zoe laughed a bit too, and Evan almost forgot that she couldn’t hear the ghost next to him. “Someone was bound to find out eventually. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna judge or anything.” She began to nervously tap at the table top with one hand while the other was spent playing with her hair. “I don’t think I’ve ever said this out loud, but I’m bi.”

    Connor made a sound as if he was spitting out water. Evan, however, without even thinking,  blurted out “I know,” before realizing how weird that probably sounded. “I-I mean, um-”

    “You knew? How?”

    “Well, um, I knew you weren’t straight? I-I saw how you, how you looked at A-” He decided it’s best he doesn’t say the girl’s name in front of Connor, for the sake of Zoe’s privacy. “-a certain  _ someone,  _ and how you interacted, with her. It became p-pretty clear that you uh, liked her.”

    Zoe groaned, similar to how Evan did just a moment ago, tilting her head down with both her hands hiding her face. “Is it really that obvious?”

    “N-no, I don’t think so. I just-”

    “Okay, okay, enough about me and  _ her _ . This is supposed to be about you and Connor!”

    “Right, right. Um, I think your parents might know now? Th-there might have been something in the emails, or- or something. They were acting really weird.” The anxious boy scratched at his hands. One thing he hated more than small talk was confrontation, or more like the build up to it.

    “Oh, I got this. If there is one thing Zoe Murphy is, it’s being a master at keeping my family away from a topic.” Zoe cracked her knuckles as if preparing for a fight.

    “Th-that's sweet of you, but- but you don’t have to do that. If, if they ask me, I’ll just tell them the truth.”

    “ _ If _ they ask you, which they won’t. It’s none of their business.”

    Connor nudged Evan’s shoulder with his elbow. “Just take her offer, she won’t take no for an answer.”

    Evan smiled at the girl, taking Connor's advice. “O-okay, thanks.”

    Evan wasn’t sure if Zoe really was a master at changing topics or if they just weren’t planning to ask in general, but Connor and Evan’s relationship never came up at the dinner table. Evan decided to take that as a sign to leave immediately after dinner.

    He was now home, happy to find that his mom ordered a pizza for him before she left for work again, but it seems he wouldn’t be there for long as a text from Jared came in.

**Jar, 6:48 PM**

**Could you come over?**

Jared suddenly asking Evan to come over was more than just a bit peculiar. If he wanted the boy to come, he would usually be more smooth than that; he would give Evan an offer, something he would enjoy doing at Jared’s house, putting it on the table as a suggestion.

**You, 6:50 PM**

**Why?**

**Jar, 6:50 PM**

**Please.**

**You, 6:51 PM**

**I’ll be there in 15 minutes**

If Jared was that desperate, there must be something  _ very  _ wrong. “Connor, we’re going to Jared’s.”

    Connor groaned. “What does the kid want now?”

    “I-I don’t know but-” Evan showed the ghost the messages. “He’s never done this before.”

    The spirit looked at Evan’s phone with furrowed brows. “That does seem pretty fucking strange for Jared. Let’s go.”  
  


    Jared was a pretty interesting person. He grew up with a family richer than most, but he was sort of neglected as a child. Evan, however, was always there. Their moms had been best friends for years, and the most shocking thing was when they were born just 30 hours apart.

    You would think with a relationship like that, the two would be like brothers, but life is so much more complicated than that. Ever since the summer before junior year, their friendship had been fractured, and Evan still doesn’t completely know why.

    But even before that, Jared had never pulled something like this. He never could really express emotions well, unless he was-

    Was Jared drunk?

    No, that was too unlikely. Jared was nowhere near a light drinker, and he knew his limits. The only reason he would get drunk enough to do something like that would be if something  _ really _ bad happened, like when his dad almost died.

_ Oh god. _ He suddenly decided to pick up his pace.  
  


    Jared was asleep.

    When they got there, no one seemed to be home and the door was unlocked. This wouldn’t be the first time this happened, so Evan let himself in the fancy house. Connor decided to stay outside Jared’s bedroom door, as he felt this was probably personal business.

    But the computer geek was lying on his side facing Evan, glasses still partially on his face and body still. Lying on the floor next to him were two empty bottles of what appeared to be some fancy wine, but Evan didn’t know enough about alcohol to actually know what it was without looking at the label.

    His room was just as messy as ever, clothes and wrappers in just about every crevice. If this was anybody but Jared, he’d be worried.

    He walked up to the sleeping Jared, hoping it wasn’t too far away from Connor to cause strain, and lightly shook him. “Jared?”

    The sleepy boy groaned and turned onto his back, adjusting his glasses. “Evan?”

    “Jared, you scared the hell out of me! Y-you’ve never acted like that before, and I thought you were drunk? A-and the last time you were drunk enough t-to do something like that was when, when your dad got into that accident, and-”

    “Evan,  _ what _ are you talking about?” Jared began to sit up on his bed, rubbing at one of his eyes under his glasses.

    “You- you texted me.”

    Jared’s eyes suddenly went wide as he completely sat up. “Oh fuck, whatever I said I swear I didn’t mean it I was drunk and I know I always say that when you’re drunk it just turns off your filters but y’know sometimes the brain doesn’t know what the fuck it’s doing or what the fuck it wants so-”

    “Um, y-you just asked me to come over? I don’t know what you’re going on about.”

    Jared let out a sigh of relief, but to what Evan did not know. “Oh thank god. Uh, sorry dude, I was drunk. Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe I was sleeping?”

    Evan thought about his options here; he could bother Jared more to get him to talk (but knowing Jared, that would go nowhere) or he could leave. Maybe he should ask Connor what to do?

    “Um, c-could I use your bathroom real quick?”

    Jared looked at him suspiciously. “Why are you asking? This is practically your second home, just go. You better not be going to go freak out or some shit.”

    Evan exited the room without another word, immediately facing towards Connor. But before Evan could get a word out to him, Connor spoke up.

    “I think we should tell Jared.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared's pining for Evan because I love to make my favourite character suffer (Don't worry, this won't' become a sincerely three fic...unless...you wanted it to...)  
> I think the next chapter will be pretty fun to write ouo


	14. What?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They tell Jared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo yo yo it's ya boi Green here up with another chapter for the whole fam  
> I'm so sorry I'm tired here ya go

    “I- what? You- you’re kidding, right?” Why would they  _ tell Jared? _

__ “I know, it sounds crazy, but hear me out!” Connor took a deep breath. He obviously thought long and hard about this while Evan was checking on Jared. “I fucking despise that kid, you know that, but…” He was seeming to have a difficult time phrasing the next line.

    “But?” Evan encouraged, making Connor shift his gaze to the ground. “I-I won’t judge? Just tell me, Con.”

    The taller boy sighed in defeat. “I’m pretty fucking tired of you-”  _ he’s tired of me? _ “-being the only person who knows I’m still  _ here _ .”  _ Oh _ .

    “Oh, I- Okay, that’s fair, b-but why Jared?”

    “Well for one, he’s the only person who knows we weren’t friends before I died.” Evan had to think about that for a moment. Was Jared seriously the only other person who knew? Have they seriously lied to that many people? Even thousands of people on the internet were wrapped in all of this.

    But that’s okay, right? Because maybe they weren’t when he was alive, but their friends  ~~_ and boyfriends! _ ~~ now. That’s really what matters, right?

_ Then why do you feel so guilty about it? _

__ “I guess you do have a g-good point there.”

    “Right. Also, think about our other options! My mom would probably faint, there’s no way in hell I’m telling fucking  _ Larry _ ,” Connor spoke his dad’s name like it was the worst, most disgusting name to ever give a person. “Alana would tell the whole school, and-”

    “What about Zoe?” Evan interjected. What was wrong with telling her?

    Connor’s expression shifted to a much more grim one, looking down at his hands with pure sadness. “We’ll tell her, eventually. She’ll be next, just…”

    Evan gently grabbed onto the ghost’s hands, interrupting the sad staring contest he was having with them. “It’s okay, I understand. We’ll tell Jared first.”

    Connor gave the blonde haired boy his usual small smile, with dilated pupils that were practically screaming ‘I love you’ at Evan, but it was most likely wishful thinking. “Let’s avoid telling him about us, though. I’d rather not have to deal with Jared’s annoying opinions about our relationship.”

    Evan nodded his head when suddenly the two boys were interrupted by Jared, opening the door to his bedroom. “Ev would you please stop talking to yourself and go home or something? You’re going to wake up my parents.”

    “Oh! I-I’m so sorry, but I, um-” Evan took a deep breath, trying not to think of how Jared would respond to all of this. “I need to tell you something, and it’s… kinda important?”

    “If it’s anything about CMP or your fake friendship, text me about it tomorrow.”

    Before the annoyed boy could slam the door shut, Evan blocked it with his hand. “It’s not! O-or, not directly, at least?” 

    Jared sighed, defeated. “Alright, fine.” He finally opened the door all the way to let Evan in. “This better not be anything stupid, or I'm kicking you out.”

    “I-it’s not, I promise.” Evan shuffled into the room, Connor close behind him with a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Um, you- I don’t think- no, I  _ know _ you won’t believe me, at first but uh, I have a way t-to prove it, kinda.”

    “Jesus, what are you coming out or something? Cause I don’t think you need proof for that.”

    “What? No! I-I’m not-” Evan sighed, grabbing the bridge of his nose with three fingers [or 2 fingers and a thumb, if you’re one of  _ those _ people]. “L-let me just, show you first, okay?” He was more saying okay to Connor than to Jared.

    “What the fuck do you have to show me? Is this you finally telling me you’re a wizard? Do you have superpowers or some shit? Have you invented a time machine? Have you-”

    During Jared’s excessive questions, Connor got annoyed enough to finally pick Evan up by his waist, finally getting the glasses-wearing boy to shut up.

    “...What in the actual fuck, Evan?” Jared replaced his dropped jaw with a furrowed brow in confusion. “You can _ levitate _ ?!”

    The ghost gently placed Evan down, making sure he wouldn’t fall over once he’s back on the ground. “No, no! I-I um… it’s…” Evan took a deep breath. Confrontation was one of his least favourite things, and he was so afraid of how Jared would respond to this mess.

    “It’s Connor. His ghost has been..  _ stuck _ with me, for awhile.”

    “...Wait, what? Connor is-  _ what?” _

    “I-I know it’s kinda, um, confusing? We don’t know why, b-but he can’t get very far, away from me I mean. It’s like a magnet, I guess? And yeah, we can touch each other. I-I know that makes zero sense but, you saw it yourself!”

    For possibly the first time in all of history, Jared Kleinman was at a complete loss for words. His eyes were wider than Evan has ever seen, and his jaw had completely dropped once again.

    “Yep, it’s finally happened. We broke Kleinman,” Connor said, probably just glad the boy was silent for once.

    “I-I’m sure he’s fine Con, he just-”

    Suddenly, the freaked out boy jumped back into reality. “ _ What the actual fuck _ ?! You have a fucking- how have you not been freaking out about this? Has he been here this whole time?” Jared took a moment to look at the spot in the room Evan glanced at just a moment ago when speaking to Connor, his expression slightly changing. “And did you just call it  _ Con _ ?”

    A bit of jealousy could be sensed in Jared’s voice, but Evan didn’t have time to care as he felt his own anger surprisingly boil up, just a bit. “He’s not an  _ it _ , Jared. He’s a person.”

    Evan thought about another question Jared asked. Why hadn’t he freaked out much when Connor first appeared?

    Well, thinking back to it, he certainly did freak out at least a bit that strange morning. He was breathing pretty heavy, he was stuttering like a complete mess, and he was definitely sweaty. But why had it stopped so fast?

    Maybe it was the realization that Connor was just as tired as he was, that he was a boy who just couldn’t take it anymore and ended his life, only to find that the world had other plans for him.

    Or maybe it was the bad story writing of whoever might be out there, creating this tale right now.

    “But he’s also a fucking ghost, Ev! This absolutely destroys practically every belief I’ve ever had!” Jared responded, suddenly not so afraid of waking up his parents. “Shit dude, I think I need time to think about this.”

    “Oh! Um, yeah, right. I-I’ll just um, get going, then?” He phrased it as a question, though he was already leaving the bedroom. “I’ll s-see you Monday, I guess.”

    When Jared didn’t say a word, Evan decided that was his queue to shut the door and leave.

    “That went well,” Connor said sarcastically. “I only had the urge to throw a brick at him three times! That’s a new record.”

    Evan let out a little laugh, glad to have Connor there to lighten the mood. “That really was awful, though. D-do you think Jared will be okay?”

    “Pfft, that kid? He’ll never be okay until he learns how to stop being an asshole because of his own insecurities.”

    “Um, I guess so? B-but I meant about the ghost thing?”

    Connor put an arm around him in response. “No worries, Hansen. I was just kidding around.” The ghost moved his arm away from Evan’s shoulders, instead placing it in Evan’s hand with one swift motion. “I’m sure Jared will be fine, he just needs some time to process the fact that possibly all his religious beliefs were lies.”

    Despite being genuinely worried for his family friend, he couldn’t help but laugh just a bit, but then Connor was looking at the intertwined hands and cursing at himself. “Shit. Sorry, I should probably ask you before I just grab your hand like I fucking own it.”

    “No!” He winced at the slightly too loud word that came from his house. “I-I mean, I don’t think you really have t-to ask, just to hold my hand, a-anymore I mean.”

    Connor stopped walking and turned to Evan’s direction with a smirk. “Do I still have to ask to kiss you, then?”

    Evan’s face turned a brighter red as he tried to stammer out an answer while avoiding eye contact. “I-I guess not really? J-just as long as y-you don’t, um, like smash your face into mine? I-I just, I think I need to be able to tell when you’re gonna kiss me, so I can-”

    Of course, Connor ignored what Evan said, grabbing onto his shirt and pulling him in for a kiss. It took a moment of shock, but Evan quickly joined in on the kiss as well.

    “Sorry, couldn’t resist. Next time I’ll make sure you know.” Connor assured as they split apart, making Evan roll his eyes at the spirit.

    “Sure you will, Connor. I’m sure you will.”

    They walked the whole way back to the house hand-in-hand, joking and flirting. Jared had disappeared completely from the two's minds.

    Maybe for once, things would turn out alright for everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the bit of fourth wall breaking there. (Well, it wasn't really a break. More like a tiny crack)  
> So I'm going on vacation, and we leave next Sunday. I'll try to post the next chapter the day before, or right before we leave, but I might forget! If I do, sorry in advance!!


	15. Sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heidi finds the video.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, early update! I'm probably going to forget to update this tomorrow morning, so that's why it's early! My apologies, but this chapter is kinda short. I've been pretty busy all week getting ready to go on a trip. There's some nice fluff in this as an apology.

    “Evan, I thought you said you didn’t know Connor Murphy.”

    When they entered Evan’s home, they were not expecting his mom to be sitting on the couch with a computer on her lap, and they  _ definitely  _ weren’t expecting her to say that.

    “W-weren’t you supposed to be home at 11?” Evan asked, desperately trying to change the subject.

    “I managed to get someone to take the rest of my shift, so we could maybe watch a  movie together!” She responded with cheerfulness and hope, until remembering the topic at hand. “Honey, why didn’t you say anything about Connor?”

    Evan swallowed, trying to think of literally  _ anything  _ to say, but coming up empty. “I-I um- you’re never home, I never got the chance.”  _ Crap _ , wrong thing to say.

    “Sweetie, you know I’m just a phone call, or text, or email away! I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me.” Behind her look of worry and comfort, Evan could see the discomfort, how lost she was.  _ She shouldn’t have to deal with you, _ **_no one_ ** _ want’s to deal with  _ **_your_ ** _ mess. _

__ Welcome back, intrusive voice in Evan’s head that’s pretending to be Connor.

    “I-it’s fine mom. We- we really weren’t that close.” He’s not even lying, but he still feels that guilt in his chest.

    “Then what about that assembly? I haven’t watched the video, but it seemed-”

    “I-it was just a volunteer thing! I-it, um- they asked a-anyone who knew him to, to say something as like, a memorial,” Evan interrupted.

    He knows he has to tell everyone the truth eventually. This was wrong.

    “Oh.” She seemed to contemplate something for a moment before returning her face to a soft smile. “Well, how about we start up a movie? I’ll let you pick out anything you want on Netflix, how does that sound?”

    “Ack, um. I-I’d love to but, I was just at Jared’s, and I, I’m really tired.” He wasn’t completely lying; that visit was pretty  _ draining. _

__ “Oh, okay sweetie. Goodnight, love you.” There was just a slight trace of disappointment in her voice, disguised with love.

    Evan felt all the guilt strike at his heart.  _ You don’t deserve her.  _ “Y-yeah, love you too.”

    He left up to his room without another word, immediately crashing onto the bed. Connor floated down to his usual spot beside Evan’s bed.

    There was silence for a moment before Connor cleared his throat. “Y’know what kinda fucking sucks?”

    Evan sat up on the bed, looking at the ghost with a confused and worried face. “What?”

    Connor opened his mouth, before closing it and shaking his head. “No, you know what, it was stupid. Nevermind.”

    The blonde-haired boy sat down next to Connor, putting a careful hand on his arm. “I-I don’t want you to be u-uncomfortable, Con. Just tell me? P-please?”

    The taller boy groaned, hiding his face in his hands. “I just- hearing you talk about me like I’m not even  _ there _ , like I’m  _ nothing _ , it’s fucking- I don’t know. Like I said, it’s stupid.”

    “No, no! It’s not stupid!” Evan swallowed. Had he really been making Connor feel that way? He hadn’t even thought of it. “I-I’m glad you told me? I don’t want you to, to feel like  _ that’s _ all you are to me Con. I’m sorry.”

    The ghost immediately lifted his head up at that, waving his hands around in disagreement. “Shit, no, I don’t think that! I know you don’t think of me like that, it just- y’know, it still hurts a bit.”

    “I’m sorry,” Evan repeated, thinking about what his next move should be. Then an idea struck in his head. “M-maybe I could make it up to you?”

    The ghost’s brow raised in confusion and interest. “You have nothing to ‘make up to me’ Hansen, but what did you have in mind?”

    “How about, um, tomorrow night, I c-could maybe take you out, on a date?” Despite the fact that they were already a couple, it still made Evan nervous to ask such a question.

    The ghost seemed to notice the boy’s anxiousness as he let out a small laugh. “Babe, why are you so nervous?” 

    Evan’s face heated up immediately at the sudden casual use of the word  _ babe _ . He never really thought of Connor as the type to use pet names like that. Not that he was complaining; It rolled off his tongue quite well.

    What were they talking about again?

    “U-um, I guess it’s because, i-it’s our first real date? I mean, I’ve never even been on a date before, and-”

    “I’m gonna have to stop you right there,” Connor interrupted, “Because that time at the orchard was  _ totally  _ a date. We fucking held hands dude!”

    Evan laughed, thinking back to that time. “Fine, second date, first time I’ve ever asked.”

    “If it makes you feel better, you indeed broke my dating virginity as well, Tree Boy.” Connor ruffled Evan’s hair, smiling at him.

    The shorter boy gave a smile back before it was interrupted by a powerful yawn.

    With that, the spirit floated up from the floor, helping Evan up as well. “Time for bed, Hansen. Don’t want to be tired during our date tomorrow.”

    The tired boy lazily crawled into bed while mumbling incoherently, but kept holding onto the sleeve of Connor’s hoodie.

    “What? You want me to...get in bed with you?” The only response the ghost got was a slight pull on his sleeve. “Okay, okay. Scoot over.”

    Evan obliged, making room for the spirit. He faded through the blankets, not actually able to go under them, and tried to keep his back on the same level as Evan’s side without fading through the mattress too much.

    Once settled, Evan immediately pressed his weight into Connor’s side, wrapping his arms around one of his. The ghost gave off a cold feeling, but it was soon replaced with warmth, perhaps caused by Evan’s heart, or just the blankets.

    Both of them couldn’t wait til tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just gonna say right now  
> The next chapter is not gonna be a date. ouo  
> Hope you liked this one!


	16. Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan's scared to tell the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My head hurts and I'm hungry and blleegghhh  
> Enjoy!

    Well fuck.

    When Evan informed the phantom about his secret date plans, saying he was excited was an understatement. Evan was planning a date for him.  _ Him! _

    Connor just couldn’t help but wonder in anticipation; where would the green eyed boy take him on this date? A romantic dinner? No, Evan would probably avoid anything social (not just because of anxiety, there’s the ghost thing too). He would probably take him somewhere outdoors. Maybe the park he worked at in the summer? Perhaps he has some secret spot in the wilderness he likes to hang out in?

    God, whatever it was, Connor Murphy was definitely in the running for the luckiest dead boy ever.

    Except here’s the thing: it’s Autumn and the weather doesn’t give a damn about your plans. So at about 3 Am, as Connor comfortably cuddled with a sleeping Evan, it began to rain.

    A lot. So much that it woke Evan up just an hour later. And of course, it never stopped.

    There was something slightly different today with Evan, though. He just seemed more… at peace than usual? He still stumbled on his words some, and Connor doubted Evan’s anxiety wasn’t still there. It just seemed like it was taking a break for a day.

    So it didn’t completely surprise Connor when the boy suggested they go out anyway. “The rain isn’t as bad anymore anyways. And I haven’t played in the rain since I was like, 10?”

    “Aren’t you worried someone will see us? Like, without me you’ll just look like an insane young adult splashing around in puddles.”  _ Way to go Murphy. The kid has less anxiety for once and you try to bring it back. _

__ Evan seemed to contemplate this for a moment before giving a slightly surprised look at nothing in particular. “Y’know for once, I- I don’t think I really care? If I was alone, I would. But-  _ I _ can see you. You’re here.” The less-anxious boy gave Connor a smile. “That’s all that really matters right now, r-right?”

    The spirit smiled back, and it took all his strength to keep it from a full-teeth grin. “I swear Tree Boy, you’re gonna kill me with all of this sap.” Evan snickered into his hand as recollection flashed in Connor’s eyes. “Wait, shit, no. I did not mean to make a pun, goddammit.”

    Connor groaned in his hands as Evan’s  adorable laughter picked up. Of course, it was contagious, and soon enough Connor was laughing along too.

    “Alright, alright, go get ready Hansen. I’m about ready to see what you’re planning for me.”   
  


    About two minutes out the door, and their date was already being interrupted.  _ Again _ . This time by a call from Zoe.  _ Dammit _ .

    Truthfully, Connor had been trying really hard not to think about his sister, but that had proven difficult because literally everything reminded him of her. The stars in the night sky reminded him of the little stars she doodled in her jeans. Literally anything fucking indigo reminded him of her old indigo streaks.

    Then there were the more subtle reminders that were somehow so much worse. A single word could bring him back to one of their fights. A gesture could somehow make him think of the absolutely horrendous way he treated her.

    It was just fucking painful, to say the least.

    Anyways.

    The ghost’s thoughts were interrupted by a sudden jolt from Evan, who was currently holding Connor’s hand with the one not holding the phone to his ear. “W-what?! She’s- ohmygodum I’ll be there in a minute.”

    The suddenly very anxious boy hung the phone up, looking towards Connor in panic. “I’msosorrywehavetogotoyourhouserightnowmymomsthereand-”

    “Shit.” Connor grabbed Evan’s other hand, squeezing them tightly as his boyfriend began to hyperventilate. “Evan, just, just calm down. Breathe with me, okay?” Then, the ghost remembered something pretty fucking important, and he’s kind of pissed at himself that he didn’t remember sooner. “Did you even take your pills this morning?”

    “U-um, I, n-no? I was- I was doing s-s-so good and I just-” Yeah, okay Murphy, maybe making the boy talk was  _ not the best idea right now. _

__ Connor continued helping Evan breathe, and he swore the rain got a little louder. Once the boy calmed down, they agreed to go home first to grab Evan’s medicine before they faced what was ahead.

    “Evan, I know you’re not gonna like this, but we might have to tell them the truth.”

    “They’ll hate me,” Evan whispered, which just about broke Connor’s heart.

    “They won’t hate you,” Connor lied. “It’ll work out in the end, okay? They deserve to know.”

    Evan nodded, and Connor tried to believe what he had just told the boy. But as the rain fell harder, he had a  _ very _ bad feeling about this.   
  


    “Oh thank god you’re here,” Zoe said as she opened the door for Evan. “What is going on Evan? Did you not tell your mom about the Project?”

    “I-I can explain later.”

    Zoe let Evan (and Connor) in with a brow raised. They were led to the dining room, where Evan’s mom was currently speaking to Connor’s mom and Larry with a fake smile painted on her face.

    “Oh, we didn’t know either! Boys and their secrets, right?” Cynthia grinned, empathizing with the woman sitting across from her. Behind the fake smile Ms. Hansen held up, she seemed to be agitated by the situation.

    She perked up at the sight of Evan. “So nice of you to join us, honey! Why don’t you have a seat?” As Evan obliged, sitting next to Connor’s mom, she continued. “So, Evan, why don’t you tell me about this project you’ve been working on?”

    “O-oh, um, well, it’s uh-” Connor tried his best to ground Evan, grabbing onto his hand under the table. He took it appreciatively, but it didn’t seem to calm him down.

    Fortunately, Cynthia answered for him. “You should see how hard he and his friends have been working on this! It’s really brought our community together.” She opened up the website on her phone, showing it to Heidi. “They’ve been raising funds to bring back the orchard in Connor’s honor.”

    “I-I need to use the restroom! Um, be right back.” Evan rushed to the bathroom at the end of the hall, closing the door and immediately beginning to pace.

    “I can’t tell them Con, I-I just can’t. It’ll ruin them.” Evan said, running his hands through his hair.

    “You can’t just keep lying to them, Evan. They have to know eventually.”

    “They’ll hate me, they’ll tell everybody. I-I’ll never be able to get a job, mom will disown me, a-and you’ll leave and I’ll be all alone.” The panicked boy was crying now, tugging at his hair.

    That was Connor’s queue to grab onto Evan’s hands (or more so his wrists, as that’s all he really had access to). “Fuck, Evan, no. You’re mom’s not gonna  _ disown _ you, especially if you tell the truth.” Heidi was the sweetest mother ever, she wouldn’t even think of it. “And I’m not leaving, not if I have anything to say in the matter.”

    Connor wiped away a tear from Evan’s eye with his sleeve, and it was probably the cheesiest thing he has ever done.

    “I’m scared.”

    “Me too. Fuck, like, all the time.” For different reasons mostly, but he wasn’t lying. “But don’t you think it’s better to tell them before they figure it out themselves?”

    “Y-yeah, you’re right.” Evan wiped away the rest of his own tears. “Time to be brave?”

    Connor nodded as they turned to walk out of the bathroom door.

    “Evan does not need strangers to pay for his college, we’re doing fine!” Oh no.

    “W-what's going on?”

    Heidi stood up from her chair across from Cynthia and Larry. “C’mon honey, we’re leaving.”

    “Wait, b-but I-” she interrupted Evan by grabbing onto his wrist and pulling him with her out the door (it was much less aggressive than it sounds).

    This was not the plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooooooooooooo I'm so tired.  
> If any of my dear readers are into Kleinsen, I might have another fic posted sometime this or next week ;)


	17. Unraveling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the last chapter was in Connor's perspective too, but I was having a hard time writing this one and I find it more fun to write in his.  
> Enjoy! Sorry if it's not very good

   Let me ask you this, dear reader; if you were a bystander in watching your best friend, or boyfriend, fight with their mom, what would you do? Would you act as a mediator for them? Or would you give them space? Maybe even take your friend’s side, depending on the situation.

    All of these options are reasonable, and also things Connor Murphy can’t quite do. So what’s the other option? You sit there and  _ watch _ .

    He could say something to Evan, but what good would that do? He could end up getting mad and yelling at him, resulting in his mother thinking he’s insane. Or he might just ignore the ghost.

    Watching Evan interact with others was something Connor had grown pretty used to. Sometimes he would speak anyways, giving off remarks to make Evan smile. Other times, he would stay fairly quiet, letting the anxious boy focus on his conversation. And it seemed to stay quiet was the only option here.

    But this wasn’t a normal conversation, and a strong feeling of  _ absolute fucking  _ helplessness came with being a silent bystander. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and stop the yelling (He’s never seen Evan  _ yell  _ like that before), to stop the crying, to make everything just  _ fucking stop. _

__ And it did, eventually, but not on a good note. Honestly, Connor had a hard time remembering all that was said during their argument. He could recall the important parts of it. He knew why both of them were mad, he knew what drove it all out, but all the words turned into white noise. 

    Connor recalled all the times he  _ forced _ himself to make the yelling in his family just white noise. Because it was always about him, and it was always so painful to hear. A wave of anger would pass through him, making him hit a wall or break something, and then he’d just crash, bawling his eyes out or just emotionless.

_ Anyways,  _ although he could not remember most words spoken, he would never forget the last. Heidi always came off as amazingly kind hearted, just trying her best to be a single mom. What she said was nowhere near rude (if anything, it was just as kind hearted as anything else she says), but it held so much emotion, so much pain and sorrow. 

    She left to her job quickly after leaving the two alone, and, almost immediately, Evan crashed into the spirit’s arms in tears.

    For the rest of the day, lightning struck outside as Connor tried his best to comfort the other, feeling utterly helpless once again.

 

    It only got worse as school started the next day.

    Connor tried to convince him to just not to go; he was very obviously not in the condition to do so, and Connor himself just didn’t want to deal with it either. But Evan “Never Missed a Day in my Life” Hansen insisted on it. (It was endearing, really, but now was not the time for that.)

    Of course, the moment they entered the hall Jared was on them, badgering. “Okay so I’ve been doing some research on this ghost thing and-”

    Evan put a hand over Jared’s mouth, shushing him. “Not so loud!” He whispered. “You’re the only one that knows, remember?”

    In proper Jared Kleinman fashion, he stared daggers into Evan’s eyes and licked his hand, causing the blonde to retract and wipe his hand off in a quick motion. Jared smirked, proud of his useless life accomplishments.

    “As I was saying before you oh so rudely interrupted me,” Jared continued, barely lowering his voice at all. “I have found that there is absolutely nothing on the internet similar to your situation.”

    “How does that help us at all?” Connor perked up at the use of “us”, suddenly feeling a bit warm. It felt nice to be included for once, and although Jared was being quite annoying, he’s pretty glad they decided to tell the computer nerd.

    “Well Ev, there was one thing- wait,” Jared interrupted himself, glancing around Evan. “So Connor’s here, right?” This time, he took care to lower his voice down to a whisper.

    “Uh, y-yeah? He’s kinda always here.” Evan looked up at the phantom, who shrugged in return.

    “Great. Cool. Uh, hi Connor?” Jared looked in the same direction Evan did, but his eyes didn’t quite meet with Connor’s. “He can hear me, right?” He was very noticeably uncomfortable by the situation. Perhaps he felt bad for the last words he had said to the dead boy.

    “Tell him I said ‘fuck you’,” the ghost murmured. He knew Evan wouldn’t comply since he’s never even heard him say the f word, but it was worth a shot.

    “Um, yes. H-he doesn’t really like you very much?” Good enough.

    Jared shrugged. “That’s fair-” The school bell rang loudly, signaling it was time for first period. “Welp, see you homos later.”

    Evan ignored his last comment, stopping Jared before he could leave. “Wait, Jared, y-you said something about, um- like there was one thing you found. What was it?”

    Jared’s brow furrowed together before he realized what Evan was talking about. “Oh! Maybe a guardian angel kinda thing? I personally wouldn’t describe Connor as an angel but, ya never know. See ya.” And at that, Jared left to his first-period class.

    Connor certainly didn’t feel like a guardian, but he would put it as a possibility.

 

    “Evan, I don’t get it. In the emails Connor was getting better, you were making him better!”  _ Oh shit. _

    They both knew that Connor’s family had to know the truth soon, but if Alana did? That could lead to  _ everyone _ knowing. That could be the turning point for Evan’s entire future.

    “I know! I-I thought he was too, but, I guess he just didn’t tell me everything?” Evan sighed, looking at the time on one of the clocks in the hallway. “I have to get going.”

    He left before Alana could get another word out.

    “D-do you think we should have told her the truth?” Evan whispered to the spirit as they walked out.

    “Fuck no,” Connor said bluntly. “My family needs to know, and I’m sure she’ll figure it out eventually, but if we told her right now it would only take 2 minutes before the whole world knows.”

    Evan gave a sigh of relief, still prepared for all the walls to fall down on him. “Okay, yeah, you’re probably right.”

    A silence fell over them as they both thought the same thing. It had to be said. “Um, should we…?”

    The shorter boy immediately understood what Connor was suggesting, and gave an honest response. “I will, today. I will, just- could we m-maybe go home first?”

    Connor thought about the way Evan said “home” as if it was Connor’s home just as much as his. And really, wasn’t that pretty much true right now? Then again, if he didn’t eat or sleep anywhere anymore, could anywhere really be considered his home?

    Maybe Evan was his home?  _ Wow, that was officially the cheesiest thought you’ve ever had. _

__ “Yeah,” Connor responded. “Let’s go home."

 

    They were home for about 36 seconds before everything turned around on them once again, with just one notification on Evan’s phone.

    Alana posted Evan’s note on the CMP page. Which, how did she even get it? Evan surely didn’t show her, and as far as they know the last person who had it was…

    Oh dear god, Zoe totally showed her the note.  _ Fuck _ . It wouldn’t have been so bad, but then there are the comments.

**Maybe if his family wasn’t so neglectful he would have been alive right now.**

 

**Did his parents seriously not see how much this boy needed help? Why didn’t they do anything.**

 

**Zoe is a fucking asshole, look what she’s done to this kid.**

  
No no no  _ no no no n o. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyy uh don't want to sound needy or anything but uh it'd be nice to get some feedback thanks


	18. Maybe if

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan tells the Murphys'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, and I even finished it early for once to start working on the next!  
> I have to thank you guys for your feedback on the last chapter. I'm in a bad place right now and it was getting a bit hard to write. I even thought about stopping this fic, not because it was affecting my mental health but because I didn't really have the energy to care. But I love writing this, and your comments really helped me remember that! So, enjoy!

    This was bad. No, this was beyond bad.

    This was  _ terrifying,  _ because Evan knew it was all his fault. It would have been so easy to just tell the truth, to never let any of this happen.

    Of course, Connor disagreed, explaining how they were both at fault for all of this. He was the one who told Evan to lie, so if anything, the spirit was the one who should be blamed.

    Except Evan didn’t really believe that because Connor had a good reason to lie; he wanted his family to be happy for him, to know that he had something keeping him going before he- you know. Evan, however, took it too far and created this toxic fake reality they were now in.

    But for now, he would let Connor take some of the blame for this mess, as there was no time to explain all of that. They had to get to the Murphys’ and tell them the truth.

    Evan had to use all his power to stay calm on the way there; controlling your breathing was a lot more difficult when rushing down the street in the thick cold air. If Connor wasn’t there beside him, holding Evan’s hand as they practically sprinted to the Murphys’ house, he doesn’t think he’d be able to do it.

    And he did, barely. His heart felt like it was going to jump out, but his heavy panting caused by both anxiety and running drowned out the sound of it beating against his chest. But they were here, and they had to do it.

    Evan noted that the door was unlocked and entered the house without knocking, as Cynthia gave him permission to do so just less than a week ago. They could hear slight yelling in the dining room, causing them to cautiously walk to the entryway.

    The scene in front of the two was a strike in the heart for both of them, making Evan feel immense guilt and Connor- well, probably too many emotions to name, he assumed. Or maybe just numbness? His face was hard to read.

    At least, it was. But then his eyes seemed to sink, lips quivering just enough for Evan to notice. Evan felt like he could now feel everything Connor was feeling right now just by that small shift of his face.

    This wasn’t the first time the ghost has seen this. His parents would argue a lot, whatever chance they got, and it was always about  _ him _ . Connor didn’t end his life to free himself, but to free them too.

    Evan understood this now, and it just about broke his heart into pieces.

    Unfortunately, there were other matters to attend to as the intense amount of guilt came running through his blood once again, and he just wanted it all to stop. The fighting, the yelling, the lying, everything. If he just hadn’t lied, then maybe it would have stopped.

_  Or maybe if you just climbed higher. _

__ He shivered. No time to think of that right now.

    So far, the three arguing in front of them had shown no acknowledgment to Evan’s appearance, too busy yelling at each other, trying to figure out who was to blame for Connor’s death.

    It was silly, but Evan began to blame himself for it. If he had done something differently that day in the computer lab, maybe grabbed the note himself, or quickly explain the situation, then maybe he could be with an alive Connor Murphy and not a dead one.

    But it was time to stop thinking about all the what-if’s, the maybe’s, and accept that this was reality and he had to somehow make it right.

    Suddenly, it seemed his mouth moved without him, yelling against everyone else.

    “I lied!”

    The three bodies turned to look at Evan, just now noticing his presence. Connor’s parents gave him confused looks, but Zoe’s eyes widened, giving a look of pure shock.

    Followed by a look of anger, perhaps on the verge of tears. _ “What?” _

__ It made sense that Zoe could immediately figure out what the blonde in front of her was talking about just from those two simple words. Evan could paint the picture clearly in his head; Alana, finding more and more flaws in their story, goes to Zoe to express her worry and confusion. Zoe dismisses it, showing the talkative girl Connor’s “suicide note.” But the idea of it all being a lie is in her head now as she wonders about these mistakes and contradictions.

    Evan felt his stomach churn in guilt. Zoe wanted to believe it was all true just as much as he did.

    “Evan, lied about what?” Cynthia asked softly, worried. She looked exhausted.

    The anxious boy swallowed, trying to hold in the tears screaming to leak out. “E-everything.” Suddenly, the tears busted out, fear and shame falling out with it. “The emails, the stories, everything,” he repeated. “C-Connor and I weren’t f-f-friends.”

    “W-what are you talking about?” Cynthia asked, a pitiful smile on her face. “He wrote his suicide note for you! How could you not be friends?” Maybe if he just didn’t write that stupid letter, everything would be fine now.

    “H-he didn’t write it! I did.” Evan tried to clear the tears from his eyes, but they just wouldn’t seem to stop falling. “I-it’s for therapy. ‘D-dear Evan Hansen, today’s going to be a g-good day, a-and here’s why.” Evan let out a sob, paired with a shaky breath. “I’m sorry.”

    Obviously, sorry didn’t cut it. Sorry doesn’t explain why he worked so hard for this lie. He had good intentions really, but when did what you intended on doing matter? Didn’t Hitler probably think he was doing good while hurting millions of innocent people? 

    He was expecting the next question to be “why?” which would be very difficult to answer. He, unfortunately, couldn’t tell them the complete truth now; it should be Connor’s call when he is ready for them to know of his presence, if ever. He could tell them he just wanted to keep Connor’s memory alive, and to make everyone feel like he at least had someone there with him to call a friend before he died, but it would just sound like a sad excuse.

    The question didn’t come, though. Instead, Zoe pushed past Evan, still trying to hold in tears, and headed up stairs. After a bit of stammering and confusion, Cynthia went after Zoe, leaving only Larry.

    The man kept his head hung low, his face stern and completely unreadable. He began to walk out of the entryway to the dining room, only stopping briefly.

    “You should go home, son.” And with that, he followed the other two upstairs.

    Evan followed Larry’s advice, exiting the house and beginning the walk home. He wasn’t crying anymore, and a slight numbness seemed to wash over him. Despite that, he had never felt more alone before.

    The green eyed boy looked behind him for Connor, panic suddenly rising in his chest when he saw nothing. “Connor?”

    It most likely took only a second for the spirit to respond, but it felt like ages to the panicked Evan.

    “I’m right here, Evan,” the ghost practically whispered, paired with a small tap on Evan’s left shoulder. He couldn’t understand how he missed Connor as he floated right next to him.

    The spirit had the hood of his black hoodie up on his head, along with his hands tucked away in his pockets, and Evan thinks he has never looked this  _ small _ before. Small was definitely not a word Evan had ever used to describe the tall boy, especially with the added inches thanks to his floating.

    “Are- are you okay?” Evan asked the ghost cautiously.

    Connor seemed to ponder the question for a moment, before answering quite honestly. “I don’t know.” There was a pause, before he added, “Are you?”

    Evan’s first thought was no, he was definitely not okay, but it was kind of hard to measure it. There was a sense of relief paired with all the negative emotions. In the end, Evan decided “I don’t know” could describe how he was feeling too.

    Silence washed over the two once again. There was a slight awkwardness to it, but it wasn’t tense. If anything, after what they have been through these past couple days, a bit of silence is exactly what they needed.

    Usually, it is Connor who is the one to break the silence, but Evan decided to offer some comfort. “Wanna watch movies and cuddle and pretend everything’s alright for awhile?”

    The spirit seemed to brighten up a bit with that, giving a small and quiet laugh. “You know me too well, Hansen. Only if I get to pick the movies.”

    Evan agreed to that deal, quite curious as to what kind of movies Connor was into. He just hoped it wasn’t anything too dark.

    Much to Evan’s surprise, they ended up watching Studio Ghibli movies on Evan’s laptop, the computer resting in front of them as they lied on their stomachs (or for Connor, the closest thing he could do to lying down). Evan cuddled into Connor quite quickly, and he accepted and returned the affection just as quick.

    Evan wasn’t quite sure when he fell asleep, sometime during watching My Neighbor Totoro maybe, but he was unfortunately woken up by Connor with the news that his mom was home.

    Right, there was still one last thing to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the way back in "chapter" 7, a reader named Jake suggested that Connor would be into Studio Ghibli and it just seemed perfect for his character.  
> Hmm, appears we're almost at the end of this story! I must warn you, I am REALLY bad at writing endings. Now I know what you're probably asking; how many chapters are left? Well, I guess you'll just have to wait and see ;)


	19. Heidi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Heidi talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit short because I decided to skip the stuff with Evan's dad and shit; we all know that story by now!  
> Eeeeennnjjjooooyyyyyyufoedhkjvrwolijkfdc

    Anyone who knew Evan’s mom could tell you that she was insanely nice, and had all the qualities of an almost perfect mother.

    But like any other human being, there was a lot more to her. Really, she could be a badass sometimes, for lack of a better word. Although very open, not rule-heavy, she could be protective of Evan and knew exactly how to passive aggressively defend him with parents and teachers. She could even be sassy if need be.

    And she had her flaws, of course. She would overwork herself to the point of absolute exhaustion, causing her to be quite crabby at work. She had her own form of anxiety as well, most likely hereditary.

    But everyone could agree, she was possibly the best mother in the world. It wasn’t her fault she was never home, and she was really trying to spend more time with Evan. He never blamed her for it, but he couldn’t help but feel like he didn’t deserve all of that. If he wasn’t there, Heidi could focus more on law school and maybe save up for a better life.

    Of course he didn’t deserve it, but he was starting to realize that’s what life is like. You get things you don’t deserve, good and bad, and you can’t really do anything about it except  _ try _ to deserve it. (Or, try not to deserve it in the bad sense.)

    And that’s what Evan was going to do. He was going to try his best to be a good son and apologize to his mom.

    “Evan, honey? Are you there?” His mom asked just on time, following a knock on Evan’s door.

    Connor gave one last glance at Evan, smiling with a thumbs up before he faded through the wall. It was a good thing Heidi came up to his room; they agreed Evan should be given privacy for this, which is almost impossible in the living room without struggling against the strange magnetic pull that keeps them together. This way, the family could have their conversation away from the ghost, but just close enough to stay in the comfort zone.

    It was always quite strange to Evan now when Connor wasn’t in the room. He was almost always there, except for when going to the restroom or the rare occurrence of needing privacy, like now. The two did try to stay very quiet and unseen at times to give each other the much needed alone time, but it was just a little weird to not see the ghost by Evan’s side.

    “Come in,” the anxious boy said through the door, almost shocked he didn’t stutter or have his voice crack.

    Heidi responded immediately by opening the door and rushing in, to Evan’s surprise, to give him a wholehearted hug.

    “Evan, I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t know you got so bad.”

    “W-what?”

    “I saw that note online.” Heidi shifted her position, unwrapping her arms from Evan but keeping her hands delicately on his shoulders. “ _ Dear Evan Hansen.  _ You wrote that, didn’t you?”

    “Um-” Evan had to remind himself there was no reason to lie anymore, especially not to his mom. “Yeah, I-I did.”

    “If I knew you were feeling that way,” she stopped midsentence, cursing herself under her breath. “I’m so sorry honey.”

    The strawberry blonde ducked his head in shame. “ _ I’m _ sorry, for l-lying and, and yelling at you, I-” He tried to continue, but a sob interrupted him. His mom began to soothingly shush him, rocking gently.

    After a few minutes of letting Evan calm down, Heidi finally asked. “Why did you do all of that in the first place?” It wasn’t meant to sound rude; it was filled with worry and downright curiosity.

    “I didn’t mean to! O-or, I guess I did, I just- his family thought that he wrote it, a-and that I was his friend and, they had so much  _ hope  _ in their eyes, I-I just couldn’t ruin that.”

    Evan cleared his throat, continuing. “And then, everyone j-just  _ forgot _ about him so easily, like he was just another dead kid, who cares? I c-couldn’t just let that happen, but-” He placed his head in his hands, crying once again. “I-I never meant to let it go s-s-so far.”

    “Have you told his family the truth?” Heidi asked, rubbing Evan’s back gently. It was a very similar gesture to something she used to do when he was a child.

    “Yeah. I did today.” He let out a bitter laugh. “They didn’t take it so well.”

    “You had good intentions Evan, at least everyone knows the truth now. Well, everyone important.” Heidi ran a hand through her son’s hair, smiling before asking one more thing. “There’s nothing else you lied about, right?”

    Maybe Evan was just imagining things, but there seemed to be a hint of  _ knowing _ in her voice. Maybe moms just know everything.

    “Uh, yeah, th-there is one last thing. You know how I broke my arm?” He really didn’t want to say this; he had a hard time just admitting it to himself, and he still wasn’t sure if he regretted climbing the tree at all or if he wished he climbed higher.

    “I thought it sounded a bit strange that you fell out of a tree. What really happened, honey?”

    Evan winced at the worry in her voice, guilt crowding his brain for the second time today. “You’ll be upset with me.”

    “I won’t. Did you get in a fight?”

    “No! No, I just- I  _ did  _ climb a tree, but I didn’t fall, I-”  _ Here we go _ .

    “I j-jumped.”

    “Oh,” Recollection flashed in his mom’s eyes as she brought her hands up to her mouth. “Oh, Evan!” She engulfed him in her arms once more, tears beginning to fall. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know. You don’t deserve that.”

    “I-I know.” He didn’t really, but he was trying. “B-but I’m okay now, or I’m going to be. Everything will be okay.”

    And for once, he believed that, to a degree. Things were looking up from here; his mom didn’t hate him, he wasn’t wrapped in lies anymore, he could maybe make friends out of Alana and Jared if they weren’t too mad, and he still had Connor by his side.

    “I love you,” Evan whispered into his mom’s shoulder, feeling it has been awhile since he’s had a chance to say that.

    “I love you, too,” and for once, he completely believes it, whether he deserves it or not. He knows there are people who love him and he has people to love.

    Just like Connor, Evan Hansen was being given another chance.

 

    Evan wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, but he woke up to a dark and quiet room and a smiling Connor Murphy floating in front of him.

    “So, how did it go?” Connor whispered to the still sleepy Evan.

    He studied his surroundings. He was completely tucked in bed with the lights off, and it still somehow felt like his mom was holding him.

    Evan doesn’t think he ever gave a verbal answer. All he remembers is smiling and closing his eyes to drift off once again.

    Heidi Hansen really was one of the best moms in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guysguysguysguys g u y s  
> There's only one chapter left  
> I got a little surprise waiting ;)))))))  
> I don't think you'll be disappointed. Or at least I hope not!


	20. Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alana steps forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit guys we're here. I cannot believe this.  
> Thank you guys so much for sticking with me and reading this. I know I'm not the greatest writer, but I had an amazing time writing this and your comments made it all the better.  
> I hope you enjoy the Finale!

    “Holy shit Evan, Alana is  _ pissed _ at you!” Jared chuckled, amused by the new situation as he walked up to his family friend at his locker. “Aaalsooo? I maayy have mentioned something about ghost Connor thinking she knew?”

    “You  _ what? _ ” What a great start to the school day. “Jared, she’s gonna think I’m insane!”

    Evan knew today wouldn’t be the greatest; he had to deal with the painful little glances Zoe gave him, and he knew she would tell Alana, though he wasn’t quite sure how she would respond to the situation. And of course, Jared had to make it just a bit worse.

    Some would say it wasn’t all bad; Zoe hadn’t actually shown up to school today, but if anything, that made it worse. Evan knew why she wasn’t at school, and that made the guilt still flowing through his veins much more painful.

    “Speak of the devil,” Jared pointed to the dark haired girl stomping down the hallway towards the two, steam practically coming out of her ears. “Welp, see ya later Ev!”

    Before Jared could escape, Alana was next to them, grabbing onto the collar of his flannel.

    “Not so fast kid, you were in on all of this too!” Alana reminded, looking absolutely  _ furious _ . She had a wide stance paired with clenched fists, almost making her look like she was ready to get physical. Her face was flushed, eyebrows hanging low and lips pressed together tightly.

    “What in the actual hell, Evan?” she began. The boy in question tried to respond but was immediately interrupted. “I got a call from Zo at  _ midnight _ , barely holding her tears in while trying to come over!”

    “I’m-”

    “And of course, seeing that Zoe is my  _ closest  _ acqai-  _ friend, _ I came to her side despite my busy schedule, and you know what she did?”

    “Um-”

    “She cried for an hour, telling me about everything you lied about. She was absolutely heartbroken because of you! What were you trying to accomplish? Did you want people to notice you?”

    “No! I-”

    “And then  _ Jared _ comes along,” she gestures to the shorter boy, still holding his collar like a leash. “And he’s been in on it all along, and then goes on about Connor’s ghost?!”

    Suddenly, Jared perks up and covers Alana’s mouth with his hands. “Not so loud!”

    Both Evan and the ghost next to him nervously glanced around the hallways, but no one seemed to be paying any attention to the three (four). The anxious boy sighed in relief as Alana aggressively removed Jared’s hands from her lips, yanking them by the wrists.

    “You really think I’m going to believe Connor’s ghost is following Evan around after everything you lied about? Jared, why do  _ you _ even believe it?”

    “Because I saw Evan float up in the air?” The insecure boy had a face of offense, mad that Alana would think he would just believe anything without proof. “I’m not an idiot ‘Lana, I’m not going to just blindly believe a pathological liar.”

_ Pathological liar. _ Is that what they really think of him? Well, they may not be wrong, but will anyone ever even be able to trust him again if they think all he does is lie?

    “Well I’m going to have to see this ‘floating’ myself.”

    Anything he ever said from now on would have to be proven, or no one would ever believe him.

    Would Connor believe him? Does Connor trust him?

    Speaking of Connor, the spirit suddenly groaned. “God, I wish I could just make them see me or something. I’m so tired of this.” He put his head in his palms, sighing.

    “I-I know. I’m sorry.”

    “Evan please stop talking to your ghost boyfriend and show her already,” Jared chimed in, growing impatient thanks to his insanely short attention span. “You can make out with him later.”

    “Well I c-can’t just, show her now! What if someone sees?” It took all of Evan’s power not to acknowledge Jared’s teasing; denying the claims would just be more lying while admitting to it would be unfair to Connor and his privacy.  It was almost always best to just ignore Jared’s “jokes.” That’s how it has always been, but even Evan forgets that sometimes.

    “It’s called skipping class, idiot.” The four-eyed boy looked to Alana, then groaned. “Oh right, Miss Perfect Attendance over here has to get to class. C’mon Lana, I think this is a pretty valid excuse.”

    “Yes, I’ll just tell Mr. Weller I was late because I needed to watch my friend float! I’m sure he won’t mind!” Her voice was laced with sarcasm and the anger still remaining. There was almost a discomforting feeling to it, which made Evan realize this was his first time he has ever heard Alana use sarcasm.

    “Okay, okay. Meet out in the back of the school at lunch, then. I’ll drive away the druggies. Is that too much for your busy schedule, Lana?” Did people really smoke back there? Did Connor ever smoke during school hours?

    That was one good thing about Connor being a ghost; no smoking.

    Alana crossed her arms, still grimacing. “I can make a  _ little  _ bit of room for you, but don't think you two are off the hook for one second!”  
  


    “Oh my god,” Alana muttered, stunned. “This can’t be real. Did you two set up some kind of invisible string mechanism back here? I wouldn’t be surprised if you went that far with a lie.” _Ouch._

    Evan didn’t really like doing this, and he assumed Connor didn’t either. It felt like a show; they were the performers in the center of the stage, watching the awestruck faces of the crowd as they showed off their amazing floating trick. It just never felt right.

    “There’s nothing but sky above us, I’m pretty sure that’s physically impossible,” Jared retorted. Why did he care so much about proving this was real? What did he get out of it?

    Just like when they showed Jared, Alana went uncharacteristically silent. Connor took that as cue to put Evan down.

    “...Did we break her?” Jared asked. She didn’t look very shocked; more like in deep thought, zoned out. None of them had ever seen her like that. Fortunately, Jared waved a hand in front of her face and she was out of the trance as quick as she got into it.

    “Well, I gotta get to class!” She was back to her normal self, acting as if she never saw a thing.

    “Wait, Alana,” Evan said. “Y-you don’t have to forgive me, but I’m sorry. For everything.”

    She kept walking.

    Connor groaned. “Alana, wait!” He reached for her shoulder, trying to stop her from leaving. It wasn’t the first time the ghost had tried to talk to, or even touch someone. It was human instinct; Evan doesn’t think he’ll ever truly stop trying to reach out. Of course, it will never-

    Alana froze and looked over her shoulder.

    Connor’s hand didn’t go through her shoulder. It rested on top.

    “...Can you hear me?” Connor asked.

    Alana just stood there, staring in Connor’s direction but still through him, before shaking her head. “I’ll see you guys later.”

    And with that, Alana was off, leaving the three boys to wonder what just happened.  
  


    “Later” was apparently the next day at lunch. Per Jared’s request, Evan was eating in the lunchroom for the first time in months while the other boy pestered him.

    “Ev, get your ghost to touch my arm,” Jared said, pulling up his left sleeve with his non-dominant hand.

    “Jared I’m telling you, he can’t touch anyone else.” And even if he could, the spirit had tried on multiple occasions to slap Jared already.

    “Bullshit! He totally touched Alana’s shoulder, you saw it yourself!”

    “Permission to attempt to punch Jared in the arm?” Connor chimed in.

    Evan faked being in deep thought, stroking his chin before looking up at Connor. “Permission granted.”

    “Wait, permission to do wha-” Before Jared could finish his thought, Connor reeled back and punched Jared in the arm as hard as he could. It went straight through the table, making the ghost almost fall into it.

    “Ow? It felt like air just went through my arm?” Well, it wasn’t touching, but it was progress. “Did he just try to punch me?”

    Evan slightly chuckled as Connor restored his composure. “You’re lucky he went through you instead.”

    “Yeesh, what’s with the threats? We’re all friends here, right?”

    Friends. Not family friends. Just friends. Evan couldn’t help but smile.

    Suddenly, four large books were slammed onto the table, making the three boys jump and look at the source, who was none other than Alana Beck.

    The books had strange labels on them, all relating to something of the paranormal. Strangely, they looked more like school textbooks than anything else.

    “I believe we have a mystery on our hands, correct?” Alana declared confidently, excitement radiating off her.

    So much had happened already, and yet there was still more than seven months left of their senior year.

    He looked at Connor. The ghost had a bright smile on his face as he examined the strange books in front of him. Light bags still lied under his eyes. He was still tired, but comparing it to how he was those first few days, there was definitely a lot of improvement.

    He looked over at Jared and Alana, who were now sitting next to each other and trading theories. Two months ago, Jared would still be pretending to have other friends and convincing Evan that all he was to him was car insurance money. Now here he was, calling Evan himself a friend.

    Two months ago, Alana would still be keeping everyone at a distance as she worked her heart out for her future, refusing to even call anyone more than an acquaintance. Now, she was letting people like Zoe in, and letting herself enjoy something besides school.

    And then there’s him. Two months ago, Evan was lost and alone. He was ready for life to end. Now he has friends, a  _ boyfriend, _ and people to go to when he needs help. He’s not that same boy who was desperately waving for help through thick glass anymore; he wasn’t alone anymore.

    He grabbed onto Connor’s hand under the table, lightly squeezing it. Connor squeezed back, looking at Evan to the side and smiling.

    There was still a lot to work on, but it wasn’t over. No, far from it; this was the true beginning of their recovery, and it all started because of a ghost who needed to be heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is never the end is never the end is never the end is never the  
> Surprise! It's technically not over! I'm a filthy liar! I'm making this a series!  
> There are still so many unanswered questions, it just can't end like this! I also love writing this too much to stop yet.  
> Here's what you can expect from the next part:  
> More Alana! She was barely in this fic!  
> Possibly some side Galaxy Gals???  
> Evan and Jared! Best friends! Fuck family friends!  
> The crew being the best mystery gang as they try to find out what the fuck Connor even is???  
> And of course, more development of Evan and Connor's relationship.  
> When will the first chapter be up? I'm hoping in the next two weeks maybe? You can either bookmark the series or search "Connected" when the time comes.  
> Once again, thank you all for reading this story. It was truly an adventure, and will continue on!

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed, please leave comments and kudos so I know to continue!


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